BLUEBOTTLE Coo, I wish I could get a job being a fishneries research thing. ECCLES Not me. Too much typing. And with that, I bring you yet another script from The Book of the Coons, entitled "Tales of Men's Shirts". I have begun work on "Robin's Post", but they are cleaning it, so that may take some time. Love, and electric twits, and things, doc (Paul Webster - 23-Jun-2004 - changed references to Mate to Willium) Tales Of Men's Shirts Series 10, 31 December 1959 WALLACE This is the BBC. After the news there will be a talk on Early Christian Plastic Knees, and the first broadcast of a piece of knotted string. If you would like a piece of knotted string, send three rust-proof shillings to 'Honest' Wal Greenslade of Weybridge. Ta. NED Hello folks, hello folks, and in that order! WALLACE Ta. That voice comes from inside a short fat round blob, namely Neddie of Wales. NED My first impression will be of Peter Sellers. PETER Hello folks. Grams: Sudden burst of cheering NED Stop! My next impression will be of Spike Milligan saying 'Thynne'. SPIKE Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Orhestra and Omnes: Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Orchestra: Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeeee! NED That's thin enough! Remember, folks, saying 'Thynneeeee' cures you of monkeys on the knees. PETER Yes, if you've got monkeys on the knees, just say -- SPIKE Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeee! PETER And they are only three and six a box. SPIKE Yes, I swear by them. One morning I woke up and there they were -- monkeys on the knees! Grams: At the word 'monkeys' add sound of monkeys in a temper SPIKE Then I said the cure word -- Thynneeeeeeeeeeeee! Grams: Speed up and fade record of the monkeys at high speed WALLACE Ta. The monkeys were played by professional apes. NED That was Wallace Greenslade saying words. WALLACE Mr Seagoon, stand by to take part in an adventure story entitled -- Orchestra: Timpani roll soft -- held under speech PETER 'Tales of Men's Shirts' -- a story of down under. Orchestra: concluding chords Grams: Morse code comes out of the music WALLACE 1938 -- but from the continent come ominous rumblings. Grams: Rumbling and bubbling cauldron BLOODNOK Oh, this Spanish food! Waiter! One brandy -- and pronto! SPIKE (Jim) One brandy and pronto coming up! WALLACE Those were the last words said at peace. At that moment Germany declared war in all directions. SPIKE Bang! BLOODNOK Bang? War!!! I must write me memoirs. FX: Typewriter BLOODNOK The day war broke, I said to Allenbrooke, 'You fool...' NED England was mobilized. PETER Recruits were rushing to the recruiting depots at the rate of one a year. WALLACE We join the story in 1942, a critical year for Britain, with British Generals slaving away at their autobiographies. Grams: Dozens of typewriters PETER (American) While across the Channel, the German High Command were welding a master plan. Grams: Typewriters HARRY Achtung, gentlemen! Be seated. We must have a halt on our war memoirs and go to war. Our scientists have just invented a liquid that will win der war. This chemical, when applied to the tail of a miltary soldier shirt, is tasteless, colourless, and odourless. SPIKE What good is that on the tail of a shirt, hein? HARRY The moment the wearer sits down, the heat from his body causes the chemical to explode. This way, the soldier will be neutralized. SPIKE It will be worse than that. PETER Is einer wonderschon Gerhimmel! HARRY Speak English, you swine, there are no sub-titles in this scene. Now zen, this is my plan of attack. SPIKE It looks like a nail. HARRY No, it's a tack. Ho ho ho ho -- who said we Germans haven't a sense of humour? SPIKE Just about everybody. HARRY Oberlieutenant Schatz! You will take ten men, each one carrying a spray-gun full of the exploding shirt-tail fluid. You will be dropped near Leicester and there you will gain entrance to the Great British Military Shirt Factory. The rest is up to you. We shall call the operation 'Burnbaum'. Orchestra: German chords WALLACE The effect of this deadly plan was soon felt. The first discovery was made at Whitehall, where they were working at their memoirs. Grams: Typewriters BLOODNOK Halt! Now gentlemen -- be seated. Grams: Series of shirt-tail explosions and shouts of rage BLOODNOK Ohhhhhh -- quick, nurse, the screens! WALLACE Portions of the charred shirt-tails were soon at a Military Forensic Laboratory, where they were forensicked. NED Mmmm, yes, there's been severe combustion all right. Hard to say what type -- what do you think, sir? WILLIUM Ooo, I don' know, mate, I'm only the kleener around 'ere. NED Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were one of us. WILLIUM No, no -- I'm one of them, mate. NED You don't look like one of them. I mean, why are you dressed like an admiral? WILLIUM Well, I don't like people ter think I'm just a kleener. I mean, I went to a good school, mate -- Eton. NED How long were you there? WILLIUM Oh, about five minutes. I was deliverin' the groceries. NED You were a greengrocer? WILLIUM Not quite green, more of a dirty yellow colour -- ha ha ha... NED Very good, now just step out of this thirteenth-storey window. WILLIUM No thanks, I'm trying to give 'em up. NED I wish I could -- Hup! WILLIUM (dramatic) So sayin', he stepped aht -- Grams: Long fading screammmmmmmmm (very long indeed) NED Yes, I always travel by window, folks, it's the quickest way down. I was on my way to the Quarter-Master-General. Nick Nock Nokkity Nok. CRUN Come in, Pnick Pnock Pnokkity Pnok. NED It's me -- Lieutenant Seagoon -- from the body of the same name. CRUN Oh, Ned. Here, let me take your window -- eh -- did you hear they're sening up a rocket to photograph the other side of you? NED All lies, all lies! I'm losing weight -- I've dropped three stone. FX: Lump of iron goes clang on the ground NED There's one now. MINNIE Hello, sailor. NED What's this, then? MINNIE My name is Bannister. NED Didn't I see you on the stairs? MINNIE Don't bother me.... FX: Typewriter MINNIE 'I was Churchill's Wet Nurse', Chapter One. I was standing in Piccadilly when... NED Now, Mr Crun, I want to borrow a stock military shirt for an experiment. But first, Geldray, and his famed Dutch Conk! MAX These are my wartime Conk memoirs. Ploogie! Max & Orchestra: music WALLACE 'Tales of Men's Shirts', Part Two. Orchestra: Dramatic descending chords with distant bugle and drum Grams: Crowd of men chatting and typewriters PETER (loud and soft voice) Eyes front, ears to the side! Stop these memoirs! Orderly Officer... Grams: Slur record of chatting down PETER All correct and present, sir. Thynneeee! NED Thank you, and Thynneeeeee. Right, at ease, men. Grams: Immediate snoring. fade under -- NED Gentlemen, all of you officers have been selected because of your high standard of intelligence. ECCLES You sure of dat? NED Someone has blundered. Private Eccles, I've got bad news. ECCLES Private? I'm a Captain. NED That's the bad news. Now, just stand in this shallow grave and wait for the next death. Gentlemen, there has been an outbreak of exploding shirt-tails in the British Army. We suspect sabotage. SPIKE (gabbles a rubbishy question) NED Not when the train is standing in the station. SPIKE Blast! NED Now, gentlemen, this is a matter of life and death. I want a volunteer to wear this shirt and make notes on the way it behaves. In fact, try everything to make that shirt-tail explode. Who will volunteer? Omnes: Pause -- light, nervous singing starts -- gets louder and louder Orchestra: All gradually join in the singing NED Stop this! I appreciate your love of singing and cowardice -- if you won't volunteer, we must draw lots. Eccles? Write your name on a piece of paper and put it in this hat. ECCLES Dere. NED Now draw it out and read it. ECCLES Mrs Phyllis Quott. NED You imposter, you're not Mrs Quott. ECCLES Wait, I know the ideal volunteer for you -- he's had more experience with shirt-tails than anybody -- his name is -- Orchestra: Bloodnok Theme FX: Typewriter BLOODNOK So I said to Winnie, 'Allenbrooke and Montgomery are ideal lads --' Grams: The shirt-tail explosion BLOODNOK Oh, oh -- Abdul! Quick, a new shirt -- it's happened again. NED Nickity knock knock oh nock! BLOODNOK Nickity knock knock oh nock? That's my private number. Come in within. NED Thank you. Major Bloodnok? BLOODNOK I have been called worse. Yes? Now what can I do for you? Better still, GET OUT!!! NED Major, I'm here to offer you money. BLOODNOK Ohhhh, come in Ned, warm yourself by this woman. She's just coming to the boil. Grams: kettle with steam whistle BLOODNOK There she goes!!! NED I've been told that you have more experience with exploding shirt-tails than any man alive. BLOODNOK True, I feel no pain. But what of the rewards? NED Several plastic OBEs and a drip-dry statue of Diana Dors and a ticket to Hampstead Fairground. BLOODNOK Ohhhh, none but the brave deserve the fair. I accept! NED Come, Bloodnok, on with this military test shirt. BLOODNOK Let's drink to the success of the venture -- here's mud in yer eye. NED (puzzled) So saying, he threw a plate of mud at me. Orchestra: Dramatic chords WALLACE Neddy's next move was to actually get into Germany and try to find out the enemy's secret. NED At dawn, a ship hove to at Portsmouth Ho. Grams: Seagulls, Bosun's Whistle, Ship making up steam FX: Typewriter MORIARTY 'How I saved De Gaulle and Told Mark-Clarke Where to Get Off...' (sings) A life on the ocean waveeee, is the key to a watery grave. THYNNE Happy, Moriarty? MORIARTY Aye aye, Captain. NED Ahoy there! THYNNE Ahoy, Ned! Come aboard. Grams: Spash THYNNE You must wait for the gangplank -- ups-a-daisy. Grams: Man pulled out of water NED Jove, that water was taller than me! THYNNE It's older, that's why. Welcome to the Good Ship Lollipop. NED My name is Lieutenant Seagoon. THYNNE A better name for a twit I've yet to hear. Ned, this man in the red football jersey and one white sock is an old French sailor. MORIARTY Aye, mate, I've got the sea in my blood. NED (giggles) And you can see where it gets in. MORIARTY Mind how you speak to me. Do you know who I am? NED Can't you remember? MORIARTY I am Comte della Robbia Moriarty, the Duke of Orange, an old naval family. NED So, folks, he comes from a long line of naval oranges -- ha ha ha ha. Laugh and the world laughs with you, they say. THYNNE You've proved them wrong, haven't you? SPIKE (Jim) We're ready to sail, Jim, ready to sailllllllll. THYNNE Thank you, Jimmmmm! Cast off fore and aft and ift. Omnes: Sea shouts Orchestra: Dramatic seascape music WALLACE A heavy sea mist descended, demanding constant vigilance by seamen in the chart-room. BLUEBOTTLE Aft by fore aft...six bells and all's well on the dog. (sings) NED Everything all right, Seaman Bottle? BLUEBOTTLE Everything is Bristol fashion and shipn-shanke. NED Aye aye. BLUEBOTTLE Aye aye to YOU, sir. De de de (sings) de de de de de. NED What's that rough sailor song you sing, Seaman? BLUEBOTTLE I'm singing this map...(ad libs tune) all those brown parts are the land, and the blue bits with the little lines on are the seassssss, all the green is where the forest is, Sherwood Forest nine miles long... NED (singing with Bottle) Ahh, lad, they don't write maps like that any more. I say, this fog is getting thick. Grams: Distant fog horn, Bloodnok's 'Ohhhhhh' NED What's that? BLUEBOTTLE Sounds like Major Bloodnok. NED No, it can't be. He's never had it that bad...is Eccles in the crow's nest? BLUEBOTTLE Yes... NED Eccles? ECCLES Yer. NED Can you see ahead? ECCLES Yer, a big bald one. NED Is it one of ours? ECCLES Ray Ellington on the cardboard bow! RAY Man! I don't know how they get away with it. The Ray Ellington Quartet: Music WALLACE That was Mr Ray Ellington, who now uses the blue whitener. Part Three of "Tales of Men's Shirts". Thynneeeeee! Orchestra: Dramatic return-to-story chords NED At dawn we came to off the coast of Germany. We prepared to swim ashore by electric plunging drawers. THYNNE No you don't! Hands up, little Ned of Wales. NED What's the meaning of this? THYNNE THIS means you're a prisoner of the German Navy. NED So that's what THIS means. I've often wondered. You traitor, Thynne. THYNNE My name is Horne. NED Traitor Horne! (?) Orchestra: Ta Raa cymbal NED They don't come any older. THYNNE Moriarty, clap this lot in irons. FX: Typewriter THYNNE Chapter Two: 'How I Captured a British Idiot in Drawers'. MORIARTY Come on, you -- spotty Herbert. BLUEBOTTLE Take your hands off me! Do you think you can take Bluebottle alive? Fixes Moriarty with hypnotic gaze -- toot toot toot... Grams: Old fashioned silent movie piano -- tension music BLUEBOTTLE My man, I was trained in Judo by the Great Bert. Using the body as a counter-pivot to displace the opponent, I use the Great Bert's method of throwing the opponent to his death. Be warned, Moriarty, one false move and you die by Bert's method. MORIARTY Take that! FX: Thwack on Bottle's head BLUEBOTTLE Owwwww! (Cries) Wait till I see that twit Bert... ECCLES You hit my friend Bottle again and see what happens. FX: Terrific slapstick BLUEBOTTLE Owwwwwww! ECCLES See? Dat's what happens. Orchestra: Dramatic descending chords FX: Typewriter WALLACE 'The Greenslade War Memoirs', Chapter One. I said to Allenbrooke, 'How dare you...' Grams: Behind dialogue: silent film piano -- sad WALLACE The whole plot has misfired. Lieutenant Seagoon has somehow been betrayed. The destroyer transferred them to a U-boat that took them to the POW camp at Rhinegold Castle. SPIKE The prison was full of British Officers who had sworn to die rather than be captured. NED It was winter when we arrived and the snow lay heavy on the slopes of Brigitte Bardot. VON ARLONE (Peter) Nowzen, Englanders, my name is von Arlone. ECCLES (sings) Von Aloneeeee ter be -- FX: Slapstick ECCLES Owwww, you'll pay fer dat. FX: Half a crown thrown down onto the pavement ECCLES Ta. Want another go? NED Shut up, Eccles. Now then, von Arlone, what do you intend to do with us? VON ARLONE You will be incarcerated. NED Ahemmmm. I hope I heard right. VON ARLONE Perhaps if you were to tell us what your mission is, we could... NED Never -- I won't tell you! VON ARLONE Do you know what happens to British spies? NED No. VON ARLONE So, you won't even tell us THAT? Throw them in Stalag Ten -- Eleven -- and Twelve! Gershmeltentwitz! Orchestra: Dramatic chords Grams: Iron door slams. Heavy key in lock. Pair of Gaolers footsteps walk away BLUEBOTTLE I don't like this game. I don't like all these hairy Germans, they hitted me. Hittt...hitttt...hitteeeeeee, they went. NED Don't worry men. I have a plon of a plan. When the German guard comes in with our dinner, let him have it! BLUEBOTTLE Den what are we going to eat? NED I mean, let him have this iron bar on his nut, then we'll change uniforms and pretend to be Huns. Trouble is, I can't speak the language. Eccles, how's your German? ECCLES He's fine, how's yours? WILLIUM (approaching, singing) Deutschland, Deuescher land uber the alles, mate. NED Listen -- a German speaking fluent Cockney. FX: Iron gate opening WILLIUM Here's yer breakfast, mates. FX: Great heavy rock thuds on the floor WILLIUM Boiled egg, I'll be bound, ha ha -- FX: Iron bar across his nut WILLIUM Oh, I been sponned -- from the film of the same nameeee. Ohhhh. FX: Feeble typewriter WILLIUM (very feeble) Chapter One: 'How I was Sponned in Action'. I said to Allenbrooke, 'You twit...' NED Wait -- this isn't a German, this is Sewerman Sam! What are you doing dressed as a German General? WILLIUM I told yer, I don't like people to know I does the sewers. NED You come with us. You may come in useful -- you can say odd lines. WILLIUM Oddd Linessss! Odd Liness! Yer, I can. Orchestra: Dramatic chords WALLACE Ned and his party made their way to the great German Chemical Works at Schattz. By using the short-wave cardboard secret horse-hair and mattress telephone, they were able to contact London by speech. FX: Typewriter on distort BLOODNOK (distorted) Hello, hello -- Lieutenant Seagoon, about artillery -- NED What about it? BLOODNOK One 'l' or two? NED Two 'l'. BLOODNOK To 'ell with you, too. NED We've escaped from the German nick. BLOODNOK German Nick? That swine, he and Belgian Tom! Now listen, we've discovered the name of the chemical that explodes our shirt-tails. It's called Gerschattzer. NED Gerschattzer? How do you spell it? BLOODNOK I - T NED (over writing FX) I - T, prounouced Gerschattzer...Thanks. Now, will you do us a favour? BLOODNOK What's her name? NED Women -- women -- is that all you think of? BLOODNOK (meditatively) By Jove, I do believe it is. Naughty Dennis. NED Listen, I remember in the First World War that an English Officer hid in a cupboard from the Germans. So could you have three cupboards dropped to us? BLOODNOK At once. Grams: Crash crash crash NED Thank you. Now men, the moment you see any Germans approaching, swallow your uniforms, get inside the cupboards, and do an impression of a suit -- the shabbier the better. BLUEBOTTLE Can I be a pin-stripe, Captain? NED No, I want the pin-stripe -- I'm senior. ECCLES I'll be a morning suit so I can have the afternoon off. BLOODNOK I'll be a dinner jacket -- I'm hungry. NED Bloodnok! Come out of that cupboard! BLOODNOK Has her husband gone, then? NED This is not the time to think of women. BLOODNOK Well, let me know when it is and I'll be off again. OOOOOOh. Grams: Chickens clucking NED (dry) Look -- a patrol of Germans disguised as chickens. BLOODNOK Nonsense -- they're despised as pigeons. NED So that's why we've all been spotted. BLOODNOK Shh! Look, they're digging in behind that tree. I HOPE they're digging in behind that tree. NED Shhhh...Keep quiet. They know we're here. I wonder why they're holding their fire. ECCLES Perhaps they haven't got a fireplace. FX: Slapstick SPIKE Listen, Englanders -- we know you are dere. NED Gad, it's Spike Milligan with a bad German accent. SPIKE Listen, we make bargain -- we let you all go free if you hand over Major Bloodnok. BLOODNOK Never! You hear? We'd rather die than hand him over. NED You speak for yourself. BLOODNOK I am. I'll make a bargain with you! Take all these lads and I'll let Major Bloodnok go free. What do you say? SPIKE Dis is our answer. FX: Great outburst of firing BLOODNOK Speak English, you swine! Grams: American bugle call and approach of cavalry. Shooting NED Look -- The American Fifth Cavalry! Saved! Orchestra: Ta Raa WALLACE That was ending Number One. And now here is happy ending Number Two. Orchestra: Alto and Rhythm play 'Laura' FX: Door opens NED Cynthia? Cynthia darling, it's me -- Tom. PETER Tom darling! You're back! NED Yes. I've been a fool about you. PETER Don't say that, darling. NED This parcel -- it's -- it's for you. PETER Ohh -- what is it? FX: Unwrapping NED Darling, this thing is bigger than both of us. PETER Oh, Tom, it's -- it's an elephant! NED Yes -- I'm not waiting any longer, we're getting married tonight. WALLACE And so, that night, Neddie Seagoon married an elephant. Good night. Orchestra: Old Comrades March -- Josh Hayes josh@cqs.washington.edu Disc Golf Page: http://www.cqs.washington.edu/~josh/discgolf.html Now, unlock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes, and prepare for a period of simulated exhiliration