I've only had the TS version to work with, can someone let me know whether there is a full broadcast or Kendall version of this episode anywhere? Help with bits marked '~~~' and '???' will be most appreciated. Any corrections and most comments welcome :-) Paul Webster - June 2004 - changed Denis to Dennis =============== the script ============= The Canal The Goon Show Announced as: The Canal First broadcast on November 2, 1954 (05/06) Script by Spike Milligan Produced by Peter Eton Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott Musical interludes by Ray Ellington quartet and Max Geldray Neddie graduates from kindergarten after forty three years and returns home to find there's been a few changes. After a few visits to the canal, and with the help of Ace Insurance Agent Bluebottle, and brother (by adoption) Eccles, Neddie schemes to out sink the dark Lords insurance scam. But who, out of trouble keeps? and locks up at the end, the moolah? ... Cast: Neddie Seagoon: Harry Secombe Bluebottle: Peter Sellers Dr Justin Eidelburger Peter Sellers Flowerdew Peter Sellers Major Dennis Bloodnok: Peter Sellers Mr Henry Crun Peter Sellers Reuben Croucher Peter Sellers Gravely Headstone Ray Ellington Dr Yakamoto Spike Milligan Eccles: Spike Milligan Miss Minnie Bannister Spike Milligan Miss Throat Spike Milligan Lord Valentine {Dyall}/[Seagoon] Valentine Dyall Announcer Wallace Greenslade Other parts read by members of the cast in their own voice. Transcriber: (of published script) Karen Phillips , Feb '96 including broadcast differences from version by Kurt Adkins cross checked against 'The Goon Show Companion', by Roger Wilmut other corrections from the eternally vigilant alt.fan.goons watchers - thanks all that and more knitted together by Tony Wills , Dec '02 [NB email addresses have been anti spam ecclesified] version AJW14-12-02 [ ... ] denotes text in the published script only { ... } denotes text in the broadcast versions only (only found the TS version so far) \ ... \ denotes bits cut out of TS releases ~~~ denotes words that I couldn't understand (???) denotes bits I'm not sure about BILL: This is the BBC [Home Service]. FLOWERDEW: (Peter) This is (*1) madness, d'you hear me? {Madness,} madness! HARRY: The man is, of course, referring to the highly esteemed Goon Show. [GRAMS: 1922 JACK PAYNE RECORD OF ONE-STEP.] [HARRY: Stop. Thank you, Geraldo. Mr. Greenslade, tell the eager multitudes of the goodies we have in store for them.] [BILL: Ladies and Gintlepong. In keeping with the policy of our more 'popular' Sunday newspapers, we give you now a nice soggy mess of vice, drunkeness and worst of all ... the shame of our cities!] [PETER: (Winston Churchill) Mixed fretwork classes.] HARRY: [Thank you, Geraldo.] To commence this night of debauchery, we present the world's mixed bathing champion of 1931 [... the man in black ...] Mr. Valentine Dyall. FX: VIBRANT GIANT GONG. [DYALL: Allow me to correct you, little pigmy man. I am no longer the man in black; I am now the man in grey!] [HARRY: What brought about this change?] [DYALL: A very cheap dry cleaners.] [HARRY: Very well, Mr. Dyall, the floor is yours but remember, the roof is ours.] DYALL: [Thank you, Barbara Kelly.] Ladies and Gentlepong, [this is the man in black speaking.] A funny thing happened to me on my way to the theatre tonight ... a steam roller ran over my head. So much for humour ... and now pray allow me to tell the story of ... SPIKE: (scream) FX: DEEP RESONANT SPLASH. DYALL: "The Canal," Aha ha ha ha ha (sinister laugh, fades)[(goes off laughing into echo)] ORCHESTRA: QUIET, SINISTER HORROR THEME. SEAGOON: My name is Neddie Seagoon. [I come from mixed parentage ... one male, one female, and that's how it should be.] My father was the famous amateur brain surgeon, Lord Valentine {Dyall} [Seagoon]. LORD DYALL: Needie was one of my adopted sons by one of my adopted wives. In 1899 I built for my family a huge mansion. ECCLES: It was only a luxury manor ... but it was home to me. FLOWERDEW: (nutty) There's a cow on the roof ... {MILLIGAN: Yukabugoo.} FLOWERDEW: ... and I am a daisy ... I must be ((very)) careful of that cow ... {errgghh}. LORD DYALL: Ha ha. My, er, children. The manor was a grim, black, foreboding place. Hanging in the eaves were myriads of red-mouthed bats that nightly danced in the dank air that arose from the oily waters of ... the canal. (mad laughter) ECCLES: Dat's my daddy who said dat. ORCHESTRA: CHANGE OF SCENE CHORD. FX: HORSE-DRAWN HACKNEY WALKING SLOWLY. (SOUND DEADENED BY THICK FOG). BILL: The Canal, Chapter One. Ned Seagoon returns from college. FX: HORSE-DRAWN HACKNEY UP AND UNDER ... REUBEN: Oo ooo ooo, my life, it isn't 'arf parky up on this drivin' seat ... {Oooo} I should never have come out naked. SEAGOON: I say, driver, have I far to go now? REUBEN: {Ayy?} Let's have a look, [mm]{(sucking in of breath, tutting noises)} noo, I shouldn't think you got far to go. FX: HACKNEY STOPS. SEAGOON: I say, why have we stopped? REUBEN: It's no good mister, I can't see a thing in this fog. SEAGOON: Never mind, I'll make it on foot. [... I brought one with me. Now, what's the fare?] [REUBEN: See ... it's Friday today, i'n'it?] [SEAGOON: 'Tis so.] [REUBEN: (to self) See, there's the rent ... school fees ... instalment on the bread knife ... yers, that'll be thirty-two pounds ten, mister.] [SEAGOON: Villain of villains! The meter only says five shillings.] [REUBEN: That meter ain't got a wife and ten kids ter keep.] [SEAGOON: There, five shillings, no more. On second thoughts, here's a penny tip. The spirit of charity is not dead.] [REUBEN: No, but it i'n't 'arf sick, mister.] SEAGOON: [You jester.] Farewell.. {ha ha ha ha,} Now, [see] ... ahh yes, this is the way (going off) past the old blasted oak and {down}... FX: RESONANT SPLASH OF STILL DEEP WATERS. SEAGOON: (off) Help! REUBEN: {Where, wh, whe,} where are you, mister? SEAGOON: (off) In the canal. REUBEN: Here, catch. {Hup!} FX: SPLASH. REUBEN: You forgot yer bag, ha ha ha ... ORCHESTRA: MOCKING THEME. FADE INTO : FX: THREE KNOCKS ON HEAVY WOODEN DOOR. [BLOODNOK: Coming ... coming ...] FX: DOOR OPENS. [BLOODNOK: Oh Neddie, it's you ... in quick, before the Arabs open fire. Aeiough.] [FX: DOOR SLAMS.] [SEAGOON: Uncle Bloodnok? I thought you were in the desert.] [BLOODNOK: I am.] [SEAGOON: I'm sorry I'm in such a mess ... I fell in the canal and I'm covered in muck, mud, grease, rubbish, tar, oil and sludge.] [BLOODNOK: You know, it suits you. But how did you get past those turbanned devils of brown, the Arabs?] [SEAGOON: Arabs? What are Arabs doing in Lancashire?] [BLOODNOK: I can only put it down to the fog. If only Lord Kitchener would bring reinforcements. Aeiough ...] [SEAGOON: (aside) Mmm. Uncle Bloodnok seems to have changed.] [BLOODNOK: Didn't you see them hiding behind the sand dunes?] [SEAGOON: Sand dunes? Where?] [BLOODNOOK: Outside ... I never allow them in the house. Now I must report to H.Q. Goodbye. Charge!] [FX HORSE GALLOPS AWAY. COCONUT SHELLS.] SEAGOON: [Oh. What's happened here since I've been away at college?] Anybody about? Mother? (calls) Mother? Mother, I'm home. FX: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: Oh, mother, I'm so glad to see you. {Dear ol mummy} (lots of big kisses) {, Oh mother! (more kisses) there}. HEADSTONE: (Ellington) Pardon me, sir, but I'm the butler. [SEAGOON: Oh, I'm sorry. You shouldn't wear a kilt that long, you know.] [HEADSTONE: I have reasons for dat.] [SEAGOON: I too have knobbly knees.] FX: [DOOR OPENS.] GONG. LORD DYALL: Neddie! SEAGOON: Father! You ... you are Father, aren't you? LORD DYALL: Do I have to undress? SEAGOON: [No] {~~~ ~~~ heh heh}, it's just that you've changed so {much}. (aside close to mic.) And, dear listener, changed he had: he looked tired, and weary; {his eyes,} his eyes were sunk back in his head; they were bloodshot, watery and red-rimmed. What had caused this? LORD DYALL: Neddie, we've bought a television set. But what are you doing back from school? SEAGOON: My schooling is completed. LORD DYALL: {Oh,} Nonsense, you've only been there forty-three years. SEAGOON: Nevertheless, I came out top boy in the entire kindergarten. LORD DYALL: Really? Then it's [the diplomatic service] {politics} for you. [FLOWERDEW: (approach) I'm a daisy ... a beautiful daisy ... please, brown cow, do not eat me ... nor my friend the pansy ... where are you, Ivor?] [SEAGOON: Good heavens ... wasn't that Uncle Rupert?] LORD DYALL: [Yes. He's better now.] Neddie, now that you're home, promise me one thing. SEAGOON: Very well, Father, I promise! LORD DYALL: Thank you. See that you keep it {for your mother's sake}. SEAGOON: Ying tong iddle i po. LORD DYALL: Good! Promise me one more thing. Never ... never ... go near ... the canal. SEAGOON: Why not? LORD DYALL: (flaming) Just never go near the canal, that's all. (normal) Now, you must be tired, you need rest. Eccles? FX: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Yer, did my daddy call me? LORD DYALL: Eccles, get your things out of Neddie's room. ECCLES: OK {daddy}. FX: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Come on, shoo, shoo, {get on there (etc. over:)} FX: HERD OF COWS MOOING [GOATS BLEATING IN A HERD ... CHICKENS ... COWS ... DUCKS ... HORSES GALLOPING OUT ... CATS]. ECCLES: [All out.]Well Goodnight, Neddie ... sleep well. |Mind how you tread!| FX: DOOR SHUTS. SEAGOON: That night I lay in bed with a clothes peg on my nose. What had happened to everybody? 'Don't go near the canal,' he had said (yawns, goes off to sleep talking) {Don't go near the canal}... zzzz. FX: DOOR OPENS. LORD DYALL: Right ... he's asleep, heh heh heh heh. Hand me the mallet, Doctor. EIDELBURGER: Here. LORD DYALL: Right ... hurrhhh. FX: BONG ON BONCE. SEAGOON: Zzzz ... ooo. BILL: (in quick) The Canal, Chapter Two. LORD DYALL: {Together,} one, two, threeeee, (heave noises) FX: SPLASH ... BUBBLES OF BODY SINKING. BILL: (in quick) The Canal, Chapter Three. LORD DYALL: Hello? Lloyds? About that life insurance, yes, on my son Neddie, {ah} well, it appears to have, {ah,} matured. You'll bring the money round? Right. Thank you. FX: RECEIVER DOWN. LORD DYALL: Heh heh heh heh heh heh ha SPIKE: (off) (long agonised scream) LORD DYALL: (calls) No, not tonight, dear! Forty thousand pounds, just for throwing little Neddie in the canal, ha ha ... FX: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: (gasping) Father, I ... LORD DYALL: Neddie! You've been playing in the canal. I told you to stay away! Eccles? ECCLES: (off) Yarh? [es, Daddie?] LORD DYALL: He's back. ECCLES: O.K. FX: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: [All out] {Come on all out, get out. Sho sho sho, come on, all of you out out out (etc, over:)} FX: CATTLE. [GOATS ... CHICKENS ... COWS ... DUCKS ... HORSES ... CATS.] ECCLES: {Well,} here's yer clothes peg. FLOWERDEW: I'm a daisy, father's a plum, that's why we stoned him. I hear music and there's only Max Geldray there. MAX & ORCHESTRA: MUSIC. (applause) ORCHESTRA: SHORT DRAMATIC THEME. BILL: The Canal, Chapter Four. SEAGOON: These three days I've been kept locked in my room. I pass the time cutting the grass under my bed, and feeding the monkeys. At night I can hear digging in the cellar. A thought has just struck me: (joy) what has become of mother? Dear mother, she was like one of the family. FX: DOOR OPENS. LORD DYALL: In here, gentlemen. EIDELBURGER: Zank you. {Zank you.} YAKAMOTO: [Yerserkah] {Yukata Yukata.} LORD DYALL: Neddie, I've brought two freshly-released physicians to see you, Dr. Yakamoto, and Dr. Justin Eidelburger. SEAGOON: But there's nothing wrong with me. EIDELBURGER: Zat's why we're here, heh hehe heh ha, za German joke {yuh know}. Dr. Yakamoto? Treatment! YAKAMOTO: Oh yes, at once, honourable sir. Would the honourable Neddie Seagoon {please} put [both] honourable feet into this delicate [three] {thirty} ton iron container? [LORD DYALL: Do as the little oriental says, Neddie.] [SEAGOON: Very well, Father.] EIDELBURGER: Good. Now zen, we pour in ze concrete mixture, zo! YAKAMOTO: Oh yah. Pour in the mixture. FX: CONCRETE GOING IN. UNDER: {EIDELBURGER: Yah. ~~~ ~~~} {FLOWERDEW: (over, off) And some clean socks, I'm thinking.} LORD DYALL: (talking over it) You see, Neddie, the doctors say, when the concrete blocks set on your feet, you won't be able to run away and play near ... the canal, ha hah heh heh heh ... ORCHESTRA: HARD ARPEGGIO (MINOR) WITH BASS CLARINET (PLAY LITTLE TUNE). LORD DYALL: Hello? Lloyds? I want to add to that last policy on my son Neddie. Yes ... yes, I want one that covers him in the event of his ever putting concrete blocks on his feet and throwing himself in the canal. Yes, I know it's not likely to happen, but just in case. FX: HANG UP. BILL: The Canal, Chapter Five. FX: SPLASH. SEAGOON: (off) Helpppppppp. FX: BUBBLES BILL: The Canal, Chapter Six. The Lock-Keeper's Lodge. CRUN: [Zzzzzoh dee de de de ... mnk (mouth noises) ... mnk ... yes ... zzzz ] {mnk mmna mmnah} SEAGOON: (off) Arrggghh Help! CRUN: [Mnk ] yes, help, help, yes de{ar} de{ar} de{ar} ... zzzzz. SEAGOON: (off) {aurggh} Help! BANNISTER: Henery? {CRUN: What?} BANNISTER: Henry, [buddy?] {nyukabugoo}, ... Henry? {SEAGOON: (off) Hellllp!} BANNISTER: Henry, [man]? {Henry?} CRUN: What what what what what {what what what what what}? BANNISTER: {Henry, henry,} henry? {CRUN: What, what is it, Min?} {SEAGOON: (off) arrgghh Help!} CRUN: What is it Min[nie]? BANNISTER: There's a ,there's a gentleman in the canal, Henry. CRUN: Oh! Thank you, Minnie. {Good, goodnight , good,} goodnight, Min. BANNISTER: Goodnight, Hen{ry}. (Pause) SEAGOON: {arooulargharrggharrgholelpppppp!} [Helppppp!] BANNISTER: Henry? [That gentleman is shouting, Henry]. [CRUN: Oh de de ... do you think he wants to pass through the lock?] [BANNISTER: I can't tell, Henry ... but I think he must be in a submarine.] [CRUN: Why?] [BANNISTER: He keeps going under the water.] [CRUN: Really? What will they think of next, eh?] [SEAGOON: Helppp!] BANNISTER: He said 'help', Henry. CRUN: Help? {BANNISTER: Yes.} CRUN: That's the distress call, isn't it? BANNISTER: Oh yes, yes ... {SEAGOON: Helllp!} BANNISTER: ... he must be drowning, Henry. CRUN: {Oh dear} [Minnie, quick ... my regulation-length lock-keeper's bathing drawers]. [FX: DIALLING.] [CRUN: Hurry, Minnie, every day is precious.] [BANNISTER: Hello, Ajax Laundry? Could you speed delivery of Mr. Crun's bathing drawers?] [SEAGOON: Helppppp!] [BANNISTER: They can't deliver till next Tuesday.] [CRUN: Mmn no, it's a bit risky.] [FX: DOOR.] [CRUN: (calls) Pardon me, sir, but can you keep afloat till next Tuesday?] [SEAGOON: What's today?] [CRUN: Friday.] SEAGOON: [No!] Helpp, I'm going down. FX: BUBBLES CRUN: We're coming, sir ... hurry, Min. BANNISTER: Coming, buddie, coming. CRUN: Have you turned the gas off, Min{nie}.? BANNISTER: Yes, yes, I've turn the gas off. SEAGOON: Help! Helpppp! BANNISTER: I wonder who he is. CRUN: {Yes, what, what, what }(calls) What is your name, sir? {BANNISTER: What is your name buddy?} SEAGOON: (amid bubbles) Neddie Seagoon. {MILLIGAN?: ~~~} CRUN: {Oh,} we're {very, very} pleased to meet you. My name is Crun, Henry Crun. And this is Miss Ban{nister, she's my...} SEAGOON: Helpp, bbbb, I'm going down {whaa whaa whaa (winding down noises)}. CRUN: Don't , don't do that, sir, or you'll drown {yourself}. Oh dear, this fog, I can't see a thing {in the fog you know}. BANNISTER: Where are you, sir? SEAGOON: In the canal. BANNISTER: He's in the canal. CRUN: [Hello] {Oh!}, Mr. Seagoon ... follow these instructions and you'll be safe. {SEAGOON: (gurgling)} CRUN: Hand me the Life-Saving Manual, Minnie. {BANNISTER: There you are.} CRUN: ... [now] ready? {BANNISTER: Yes.} {CRUN: Hurry up then.} SEAGOON: Yes, [but] hurry {up. arraul}. {CRUN: Mr Seagoon?} {SEAGOON: Yuharhul.} CRUN: Take three dozen eggs and break into a bowl ... SEAGOON: Yes. CRUN: Mix in eight ounces of castor sugar, [then stir over a low gas.] [SEAGOON: I haven't got a gas stove.] [BANNISTER: Here, catch.] [FX: SPLASH.] [SEAGOON: Thank you.] CRUN: [Right, now] add four pounds of millet flour and bring the mixture to ... Minnie? {BANNISTER: What, what?} CRUN: This isn't the Swimming Manual. BANNISTER: [Oh - ](calls) we've got the wrong book, [buddy] {Mr Seagoon}. SEAGOON: {Ohhhwwwl.} What'll I do with all this mixture? BANNISTER: We'd better go in, Henry, it's a shame to waste all that food. CRUN: {Yes,} coming, hupppp! BANNISTER: Coming, arrgh. FX: TWO SPLASHES, SPLUTTERING, SHOUTS, ETC. ORCHESTRA: SHORT LINKING CHORDS. FX: KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS. HEADSTONE: Yes, sir? BLUEBOTTLE: Oh he he, good evening to you. Is this the manor of the place where liveses the Valentine Dyall man, is dis the place{, where it is is it den} [is it man]? HEADSTONE: Yes {, yes it is}. BLUEBOTTLE: He he he. I am from the Lloyds of London, the well known insurance company. I am their junior representative. Feels in pocket, produces smart calling card. HEADSTONE: Oh ah, come in, sir. BLUEBOTTLE: Enter the new Bluebottle. The new Bluebottle wearing city gentlemen-type striped trousers and Anthony Eden homberg. Really Dad's trilby painted black. HEADSTONE: Have you wiped your feet, sir? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes. HEADSTONE: Then where'd that mud come from? BLUEBOTTLE: Off my shoes ... ha ha he he, he heh. I made a little jokules. heh he, pauses for [light] audience applause, as usual not a sausinge. {Was going to use rude word, but changes mind} [Thinks of rude word for them]. HEADSTONE: What's your business here? BLUEBOTTLE: I have come to pay the insurance on the recently drowned and deaded Neddie Seagoon. FX: WHOOSH. DOOR CLOSE. LORD DYALL: (excited) Did you say insurance? BLUEBOTTLE: [Ohh] Yes {, yes}, I have ... LORD DYALL: {Splendid} There, just sit down and warm yourself by the candle. [Here, drink this ... ] [BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, a cocktail ... good health. (gulp)] [FX: MAMMOTH LONG RUMBLING EXPLOSION. BOOTS FALLING TO FLOOR. TEETH ... ODDS AND ENDS.] [BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine! You have nearly deaded me ... look, my kneecaps have dropped four inches. Who made that cocktail?] [HEADSTONE: Molotoff.] [BLUEBOTTLE: Look what you done to my city gentlman-type suit ... all the egg stains have been blowed off.] [HEADSTONE: Is that bad?] [BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, they were holding the suit together.] {LORD DYALL: Ellington! Entertain the gentleman} HEADSTONE: Certainly. Well, here's the Dance of the Seven [Veils] {, um , Kilts}. QUARTET: Ray Ellington "Sometimes I'm Happy". (applause) BLUEBOTTLE: Thank you, I accept your apology. Now, Lord {Dyall} [Valentine], the solemn business of paying out the insurance money ... moves left, opens official brief case. (aside) Not too wide, as I have my dirty laundry in one [part] {compartment}. LORD DYALL: It's forty thousand pounds, isn't it? BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, but it's all in pennies. LORD DYALL: Forty thousand pounds in pennies? Eccles! ECCLES: Yah, Daddie? LORD DYALL: Your hat, lad. ECCLES: O.K. {den}. LORD DYALL: Just hold it there. Now, Mr. Bluebottle. BLUEBOTTLE: Right, now to {get}.... SPIKE: (long agonised wailing heart-rending scream (echoey)) LORD DYALL: (answering) It's in the cabinet by the bed, dear. Carry on. {Carry on.} BLUEBOTTLE: He he he. What, what was that dreaded scream, sir, he heh? LORD DYALL: Oh, that was my eldest thing. [Ha ha] Now, just count out the money. BLUEBOTTLE: Yes ... FX: CLATTER OF COINS DROPPED ON TABLE BEHIND: BLUEBOTTLE: One, tuppence, thrippence, fourpence, fivepence ... BILL: Chapters Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten and Eleven. BLUEBOTTLE: (very tired) Four million eight hundred and thirty-two pennies ... FX: CLINK. BLUEBOTTLE: Ah ho, roll on, beddy byes, four million eight hundred and thirty-three pennies, four million {eight hunder} ... FX: GREAT SACK OF PENNIES POURING ONTO FLOOR. THEY ROLL AND SCATTER. ECCLES: Oh, [sorry]. BLUEBOTTLE: (cries) Ohh! Oh! You dropped them (pause) FX: CLATTER AND CHINK OF COINS DROPPED ON TABLE BEHIND: BLUEBOTTLE:` One penny, twopence, threepence, {fourpence} FX: DOOR OPENS. SEAGOON: Fatherrr! LORD DYALL: (flaming) Neddie ... you! SEAGOON: Yes. [FX: DOOR OPENS.] [ECCLES: Come on, all out, shoo! Shoo!] [FX: CATTLE, ETC. (AS BEFORE).] BLUEBOTTLE: Pardon me. Did you say this was Neddie? LORD DYALL: Er, yes. (happy) Why, Neddie, you're safe, dear boy. Thank heaven, we thought you were drowned, didn't we, Mr. Bluebottle? BLUEBOTTLE: He he he he, yes. Well, you will not need this deaded money for him drowning. Thinks: this will save Lloyds a lot of money and who knows, a managerial job for Bluebottle. Thinks again: thanks to brains, the new wonder head-filler. Well {, I must be going,} goodnight [all] {everybody}. Exits left. FX: WHOOSH. DOOR SHUTS. LORD DYALL: Curses. [Miss Throat?] [THROAT: Sir?] [LORD DYALL: That man ...] [THROAT: Yes?] [LORD DYALL: Stop him.] [THROAT: Right.] [FX: WHOOSH. DOOR SLAMS.] LORD DYALL: (rage) Now, little Neddie, you've been playing in the canal again. It's got to stop. SEAGOON: I agree, Father. LORD DYALL: Silence when you talk to me! Now, go upstairs to your room and come down at once! I want to talk to you. SEAGOON: But ... I can't move {daddy}, FX: CLOMPING OF HEAVY BLOCKS UNDER: SEAGOON: These concrete blocks on my feet ... LORD DYALL: We'll soon have them off. Eccles? ECCLES: [(off) Yup, Daddy] {Did my Daddy call me?} LORD DYALL: Put these sticks of dynamite into his concrete blocks. ECCLES: O.K., [Daddie] {My Daddie knows what he's doing}. FX: FUSE STARTS TO BURN. ECCLES: Dere! {I light the fuse,} now in ten seconds time [there'll] {there's going to} be a dirty big... LORD DYALL: Yes, yes. Neddie, wait outside in the garden will you? SEAGOON: Yes, Father. FX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. LORD DYALL: (sings) "Come in to the garden Maude" FX: DIALLING. LORD DYALL: Hello, Lloyds? Yes, a new life policy, please. I want to insure Neddie in the event of him ever putting concrete blocks on his feet, blowing himself up with dynamite and landing in the canal. Yes, I know it's not likely to happen, but just in case ... FX: EXPLOSION. WHISTLE GOES UP. BILL: Chapter Twelve. FX: WHISTLE DESCENDS. SPLASH. SEAGOON: Helppp! BILL: The Canal, Chapter Thirteen. FX: PENNIES BEING DROPPED ONTO A PILE. BLUEBOTTLE: There, that's the lot, Lord [Valentine] {Dyall}. LORD DYALL: Yes, forty thousand pounds. Poor Neddie. BLUEBOTTLE: Yes, {eh} [yes], it was funny him falling in the canal again so soon after {when} I had left, {heh he. It is, it is a} good job you ran after me, [wasn't] {isn't} it? LORD DYALL: Well, goodnight, Mr Bluebottle, thank you for ... FX: DOOR OPENS. PRONOUNCED CREAK. LORD DYALL: You! {SEAGOON: Yes, me!} FX: DOOR OPENS. ECCLES: Shoo, [git out] {all out all out, come on (under: )} FX: CATTLE, ETC. (AS BEFORE). {FX: DOOR CLOSED.} SEAGOON: Father! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, it is little Neddie, oh, well, well, well. Could I have all the money back {again}, please? LORD DYALL: No! Hands up! All of you! BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, he's got a gun. LORD DYALL: Eccles! ECCLES: Yes, Daddie? LORD DYALL: Take these two men and chain them up, in the dungeon! ehh heh heh heh heh ha. {ECCLES: Ha ha ha.} ORCHESTRA: DESCENDING CHORDS. FX: HEAVY CHAINS, MANACLES UNDER: {SEAGOON: Oh, Careful Eccles, Oh (etc under:)} ECCLES: Oh di dum, [dere, dere] {one over dere, one over der, one round that leg, one round this leg, one dere. Well,} not too tight are dey? SEAGOON: Eccles, do you realise what Daddie's trying to do? ECCLES: Yer, he's tryin' to keep you away from der canal because he loves you and he don't want you to get drowned. SEAGOON: No, no, he wants to kill us all, and that includes ... YOU. ECCLES: Oooooooo. BLUEBOTTLE: Eh hee. I am frighted. {ECCLES: So am I.} BLUEBOTTLE: I don't want to be deaded yet. I haven't had my half day off this week. {Eh heh eh heh}. [If you get deaded they give you the sack at Lloyds ... they don't like deaded men working for dem.] SEAGOON: {Quite Bluebottle} [Ssh]. Now, Eccles, undo these chains and help us capture Father before he kills us all. ECCLES: {Ok,} Ok. SEAGOON: Right, now this is the plan ... we ... FX: DUNGEON DOOR SLAMS. BLUEBOTTLE: Oh {eee}, [look,] someone has closed the dungeon door from the outside ... we are trapp-ed! LORD DYALL: Ha ha ha ha ha (goes off on echo). SEAGOON: Curse, he's locked us in. Never mind, we'll batter the door down. Where's something with a blunt head? ECCLES: Here y'are. BLUEBOTTLE: Put me down, Eccles. Put me down, I shall charge the door and smash it down. SEAGOON: Good man. BLUEBOTTLE: Stand back, here I go. To matchwood I'll splinter the door ... (going off) charge! FX: LONG APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS SPEEDING UP GET NEARER AND FADE INTO THE DISTANCE. BLUEBOTTLE: (miles off) You rotten swine you ... who opened the door? ECCLES: Ha hum SEAGOON: Good work. Now listen, both of you {ECCLES: Yep, yep yep yep.} SEAGOON: ... we've got to think quick{ly}. ECCLES: Dat leaves me out! SEAGOON: We three are going to throw Father into the canal! BILL: Chapter Fourteen. FX: SPLASH. ECCLES: (off) Help! FX: SPLASH. BLUEBOTTLE: (off) Help! FX: SPLASH. SEAGOON: (off) You devil, Lord [Valentine] {Dyall}. LORD DYALL: Ha ha ha ha. You didn't think you could ... oooiii ... (struggle) FX: SPLASH. LORD DYALL: (off) Helpppp. Who did that? BILL: Last chapter. CRUN: Hello, Lloyds ... about the life insurance I took out on the four gentlemen, {yes} ... ORCHESTRA: SIGNATURE TUNE: UP AND DOWN FOR ... BILL: That was The Goon Show: a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Valentine Dyall with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: SIGNATURE TUNE UP TO END. (applause) MAX & ORCHESTRA: "CRAZY RHYTHM" PLAYOUT. Notes: 1) These first two words may be very difficult to hear on some recordings.