Series 5, Episode 22, Broadcast 22 February 1955 The Fireball Of Milton Street Wallace: This is the BBC Peter: (American cool cat) All right, cats, let's creep ORCHESTRA: TEA DANCE MUSIC Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Stop this madness! You sinful people! Now Mr. Greenslade - Wallace: Sir? Harry: Unlace that rubber farthing ale, gurd up your poor old loins and give the listeners the old posh chat there, give them the old posh wireless talk Wal, go on boy Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen, a story translated from a yet unwritten story that was found embedded in an uncooked Russian sock. We proudly present - ORCHESTRA: DRUM ROLE OVER SPEECH Spike: (theatrical) Oooh! "The Fireball of Milton Street", or "What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey?" What's become of it? So brown! So crisp! With that lovely firm layer of white fat. Ooooh! What's become of it, ey? Answer me! What's become of that crisp bacon we had before the war? Don't laugh, answer me! What's become - FX: PISTOL SHOT ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC Harry: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known athletic thespian and actor Sir Jim Nasium Peter: (another theatrical voice) Yes! In his absence we give you The Fireball Of Milton Street ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, ENDING IN LONE HARP Peter: Mid the rolling hills of Sussex in the county of Somerset lies the little Kentish village of Milton Street, Pride of Essex. Milton Street, one of the sonk ports. It was to this little village that a disturbing discovery was to come GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE Eccles: One o'clock! One o'clock on a frosty night! A clear night! A fine night! Oh, it's good to be alive! One o'clock on a frosty night one - oh! Henry: Aaaaah! Eccles: Ooh, hello! Mr. Crun! Where you been at this time of night? Henry: Mmmmm, I've been for a walk Eccles: Ooh, I wish I was clever like that Henry: Well, good night Eccles Eccles: Good night, good night GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE Eccles: One o'clock - GRAMS: BELL RINGS AGAIN Eccles: Two o'clock on a fine night (fades out) FX: HEAVY CHAINS BEING JANGLED OVER SPEECH Henry: Now, what have I done with my front-door key? Let me see: trouser cupboard, wine-cellar, hot-water tap, butter dish, Minnie's Ginger- Wine-still; Drat it! Every key but the front-door. Oh well FX: THREE HEAVY THUDS ON THE DOOR Minnie: (distant) Oooh! We'll all be murdered in our beds! Who's that down there? Henry: I've lost my key, Min Minnie: Oh dear, I'm coming, buddy FX: FOOTSTEPS DOWN 5 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS Henry: I can't understand it, we live in a bungalow! FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED, KEY TURNED, DOOR OPENS Minnie, Oh, what's all this, Henry? What is this? Henry: I can't get in, Min, I've dropped my key out in the dark and I can't see Minnie: Oh well, come inside in the light and have a look for it Henry: Thank you, Min FX: DOOR SHUT Minnie: Now hurry up, Henry Henry: I will, I will. Don't go back to bed yet, Min, I'm not in yet Minnie: Oh dear, hurry up, I don't want to stay up all night waiting for you to come home Henry: Well don't rush me, Min. As soon as I find the key I'll let myself in Minnie: Okay FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED Henry: Drat it. I can't find it, I can't find the key! Minnie: Well why don't you knock? I'll let you in Henry: All right FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR SLAMMED, KNOCK ON DOOR Minnie: Oh! Who is that? Henry: (outside) It's me, Minnie, Henry! Minnie: Henry? Haven't you got a key? Henry: No FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED Minnie: Come in, buddy, you're lucky I wasn't in bed, you know? Henry: Terrible news, Min, terrible! The world is coming to an end! Minnie: Oh! I'd better go and get the washing in Henry: Min, this morning I photographed the sun and I discovered it's on fire Minnie: Oh, the people are careless, Henry Henry: Yes FX: KNOCKS ON THE DOOR Henry: Aaaaah! Neddy: I say, can I come in? I saw light in you window Henry: Minnie poured it out for me, would you like one? Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po! Minnie and Henry: Good! Minnie: Mr. Seagoon, Henry says that the sun is on fire Neddy: On fire? (laughs to himself) You were always one for a joke! Henry: No I'm not, look I took this photo of the sun's chorono and it's smoking Neddy: Hmm, Heavens Above! Saints protect us, he's right! Fire! I must tell the villagers at once. (panic) The suns on fire! The suns on fire! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK Omnes: crowd noises Neddy: Please! Please! Silence! Silence! Spike: Speak up! Neddy: Villagers of Milton Street, I'm sorry I had to get you out of your beds. Mr. Crun, tell them what's happened Henry: The sun is on fire! Omnes: calm silence except for on or two "Ohs" and "Ahs" Neddy: Don't panic! Don't panic! Keep cool and all's well! We'll face it together, chins up! No cowards! Now remain steady, chaps, and at all cost don't panic. Remember we're British! All together now (sings)Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the seas. How can we exhort thee - FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP Neddy: Yes? Grytpype: (other end of phone) You silly twisted boy, you Neddy: I don't wish to know that FX: PHONE SLAMMED DOWN Wallace: Oh Mr. Crun, the sun is on fire, you say? Henry: Yes, yes Wallace: If that is so the process must have been a ceaseless conceivable rabbit motion of electrons captured by nuclei released at a million time per sec per sec, the effect being the radiated thermeo-electrons captured and harnessed as units of liberated satellite electrons, the product of which, with the space quotuum of 3.79 plus 10 to the power of 33 hers per second with a diatherman of 9 7 3 2 5 to the power of X, is the thallum 3 billion thrice upon 25 billion centigrade Henry: It's not as simple as that! Oh deary me, no! Now are there any more questions? Spike: (theatrical) Yes! What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey? What's become of it - FX: PISTOL SHOT ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC Neddy: Any more questions? Bloodnok: Yes. As Squire of Milton Street, I think that as the sun is on fire Ned Seagoon should go to London to tell the Queen Neddy: To London to tell the Queen? I'd be famous! Right, I'll do it! Bloodnok: Right, but first, it's a long weary journey to the capital, therefore how about a silver collection. Come on! Omnes: voices reluctantly giving money Bloodnok: Thank you, well done sir. Grand! And you, sir! Excellent! Minnie: Oooh! Bloodnok: I'm sorry madam, I beg your pardon. That's it, that's it, the hat's full! So Ned, there you are, off you go to London Neddy: Thank you. Farewell! FX: FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING FASTER, FADES AWAY Bloodnok: Brave lad! Right now, Ellington, help me count the money in this hat Ray: Right MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH Neddy: Meantime I, Ned Seagoon, was running towards London to tell the Queen the sun was on fire. I reached the river, I jumped - (FX pause, start again) - I reached the other side. I ran towards the second river, I jumped - (FX pause, start again) - and I reached the other side. So then I came to a very wide raging torrent. I ran as fast as I could, I jumped - (FX stop) - Right! Hands up all those who thought I was going to fall in the river. Come on there, you with the big head there, Bill Matthews? Come on, hands up! Right! Take a hundred lines: "I must not try to guess the end of Goon Show gags". Now, here is what really happened FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH Neddy: I ran, I jumped (FX stops) and then - GRAMS: GIANT SPLASH Neddy: Ha ha ha. Right, hands up all the charlies who wrote the hundred lines. Take another hundred: "I must not write a hundred lines until I'm dead sure". All right, Greenslade Wallace: Listen to "The Fireball of Milton Street" part 3. Outside the Ministry of Works (LONG SILENCE) Part 4, inside the Ministry of Works GRAMS: GRAMOPHONE RECORD PLAYING FX: TEA CUP AND SAUCER RATTLING, RAPID KNOCKS ON DOOR Grytpype: Come in, Charlie! FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS Neddy: Good morning. I want to see the Queen Grytpype: Oh, well you'll have to see the Secretary of State, I'll write you an introductory letter (FX: PEN SCRATCHING) "Please see Ned Seagoon". There Neddy: Thank you. Now who is the Secretary of State? Grytpype: I am Neddy: Ah, well I have a letter for you Grytpype: Have you? Neddy: Yes Grytpype: Let me see: "Will you please see Ned Seagoon" Neddy: I want to see the Queen Grytpype: Oh, well you'll have to see the Minister of the Crown Neddy: Where's he? Grytpype: Go and wait in that room there, will you? Neddy: Right FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS SHUT Neddy: Oh I'm so excited! Hee hee! The Minister of the Silver Crown, ey? I wonder what he looks like ORCHESTRA: BRASS FANFARE Wallace: (shouts) His Excellence, the Right Royal Minister of the Crown FX: FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY ADVANCE TOWARDS THE MICROPHONE (GETTING LOUDER) Grytpype: You wanted to see me? Neddy: Yes sir, I want to see the Queen. You see the sun's on fire Grytpype: What? Neddy: The sun's on fire, sir Grytpype: Oh, this is the charlie! Now Neddy, I want you to build a rocket to take you to the sun. Take a barrel of water on board and then off you go to put out the fire Neddy: Well, where will I get the materials to build it? Grytpype: Well the Ministry of Works have got a lot of junk - er, special material you could use! Neddy: Who's pay for it? Grytpype: Oh the villagers, of course. Then when the rocket comes back from the sun we'll buy it back off you at twice the price Neddy: Hooray! I'll save England! I'll be a hero! (sings) Come, come I love you only, come hero of mine Grytpype: No I can't say it again FX: RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR Grytpype: Come in FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR OPENS Grytpype: Yes, what do you want? Spike: (theatrical) I want to know what's become of the crispy bacon - FX: PISTOL SHOT GRAMS: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC FX: DOOR SLAMS (MUSIC STOPS IMMEDIATELY) Wallace: Meantime at Milton Street a dissenter is at work Omnes: crowd noises Bluebottle: People of Milton Street! Listen to me! Enter Bluebottle, strikes orator's pose, cops dirty big brick in back of nut. Puts lump in pocket for later. People, I'm telling you, the sun is not on fire. (crowd gets noisier) Shut up you, shut up! I tell you, it's not on fire. Have seen it through my cardboard cut-out telescope - posted free with every 6 box-tops of Filth Muck the Wonder Soap Minnie: Don't you believe him! Bluebottle: I'm telling the truth Neddy: I say, what's going on here? Bluebottle: I am here to prove that the sun is not on fire Moriarty: (aside) Curse, this little nutty Goon could ruin our plan. (aloud) Don't believe him, Neddy. Ask him to prove it Neddy and Crowd: Yes, prove it! Bluebottle: All right, all right, shut up you! Shut up, you! I will prove it. Stand back. Takes off shirt to show well-developed bones and spare ribs and satchel. I will climb this ladder with a piece of bread and when I get to the top I will point it out to the sun. If the sun is on fire it will get toasted. Now then, who is going to hold the ladder? Eccles: I'll hold the ladder Bluebottle: Thank you, Eccles. Promise you won't let go Eccles: I promise you won't let go Bluebottle: Then I will go. Sprin-ges on to ladder. Effect is ruined because trousers fall down. Oh! Short vest! Tee-hee! Max Geldray, cover up my short bits MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA Wallace: We pick up the story with Bluebottle at the top of his 200 foot ladder GRAMS: WIND HOWLING OVER SPEECH Bluebottle: Tee hee! It's a bit parkey up here. Oh, silly little me, I forgot my toasting fork. Hey, somebody down there bring up my toasting fork Neddy: (far off) Don't panic! Bluebottle: Oh dear, what can I do now that I'm waiting up here? (mumbles a tune to himself) Oh I know. Ladies and gentlemen, I will spring you all a riddle, listen: When is a door not a door? Answer: when it's ajar. Not a sausage for that one. When is a horse not a horse? Answer: When it's turned in to a field. Oh well, roll on beddie-byes. FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP Bluebottle: Hello? No I'm sorry I haven't (hangs up). Silly man, have I got any rooms to let? (sings to himself) FX: FEW HEAVY STEPS COMING UP THE LADDER Eccles: Ah, here's your toasting fork Bluebottle: Ohhhh! You fool, you mind hat you're doing with it, harm can come to a young lad like that. Eccles: I'm sorry, Bluebottle Bluebottle: Eccles? Eccles: Yuh? Bluebottle: Tee-hee! Who's holding the bottom of the ladder? Eccles: Well, eh, don't worry, I'm holding the - Oooooh! Bluebottle: (falling in to distance) You rotten swine, you! FX: THUD Wallace: At the bottom of the now-fallen ladder a fresh crisis had arrived. Seagoon is about to ask Bloodnok for the money he had collected in his hat the previous day Neddy: I'm about to ask you for the money you collected in your hat the previous day Bloodnok: Go ahead Neddy: I want the money you collected in your hat the previous day Bloodnok: What? Neddy: Grytpype-Thynne wants it as first-payment on the materials for building the rocket Bloodnok: What, money? I arrest you! Neddy: What for? Bloodnok: Resisting arrest Neddy: I'm not resisting Bloodnok: I arrest you for not resisting then Neddy: I'm innocent Bloodnok: At your age, rubbish! I arrest you for not being in uniform Neddy: I'm not in the services Bloodnok: What? Then I arrest you for being a coward Neddy: I'm not a coward Bloodnok: I arrest you for being a hero Neddy: I'm not a hero Bloodnok: Then if you're not a hero and you're not a coward what are you? Neddy: I'm neither Bloodnok: I arrest you for being a neither Neddy: Give me the money or I'll tell about you and the scout fund FX: METAL BEING SHOVELLED OUT Bloodnok: Ohhh, there you are Neddy. Dear Neddy, I was only joking lad, I was kidding, it's safe for you, Neddy. You know old Dennis wouldn't do a pal Neddy: Right, there Moriarty, £20. Tomorrow we start building the rocket to the sun ORCHESTRA: GRAND LINK GRAMS: WORK PLACE NOISES (HAMMERS, ETC.) Peter: (BBC announcer) Well I'm speaking to you from the base of a Martella tower by the Pevensey marshes. The hammering you can hear comes from a bust band of workers from the village of Milton Street. They are erecting some sort of wooden rocket tied with string on top of the tower. That is what you said, sir, isn't it? Moriarty: Yes, yes, they are having the joke, ha ha ha ! Yes, a joke. Now, Seagoon (lowering voice) you haven't breathed a word to this BBC charlie about it, heave you? Neddy: No, sir, I haven't Moriarty: Good Neddy: Ah, Mr. Crun. Well, it looks as if the rocket's nearly ready Henry: Not quite, we need another layer of brown-paper and string on the outside Neddy: Yes, you're right. We can't take risks Henry: No Grytpype: Neddy, we've just delivered the last lorry of junk - er, valuables, and I hope you've got the money? Neddy: Yes, £30 FX: CASH REGISTER RINGS OPEN Grytpype: Thank you. Now when will you be taking off? Neddy: As soon as we have the gun-powder and sulphur at the base of the rocket. That's what's going to send us up Grytpype: I'm sure it will. And, er, as a matter of interest, when you get to the sun how are you going to put it out? Neddy: We're each carrying a bucket of water Grytpype: By Jove, are all of your family clever? Neddy: Only the highbreds Grytpype: Touchˇ Neddy: Three-chˇ Grytpype: Do you come here often? Neddy: Only in the mating season, shall we dance? Grytpype: Yes GRAMS: TEA-DANCE MUSIC Neddy: You dance divinely Grytpype: Thank you, darling Moriarty: Stop, stop! Stop this madness you simple people. You must take off as soon as possible. The Sussex police have heard of the rocket and are going to try and stop it Grytpype: Curse, this could ruin everything. Seagoon, tell them all to speed up Neddy: Yes, everybody speed up GRAMS: WORK SPEEDS UP, 10 SECONDS OF CARTOON SPEECH Neddy: Stop! Right, ready? Everybody? Omnes: Yes, sir! Neddy: Purse the sulphur and the light the old wick there. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 GRAMS: EXPLOSION Grytpype: Oh dear, oh dear. After all that work. It's sad, Mor-I-arty, it's sad. However, let's count the money. 10, 20, 30 (both giggle evily) Moriarty: Oh dear, those poor fools Grytpype: Yes Moriarty: A wooden rocket, a wooden rocket! I ask you! Trying to put out the sun (both laugh) Grytpype: Yes Moriarty: They deserved to die, didn't they? Grytpype: Yes they did, Mor-I-arty Moriarty: Oh 25, 26 million, 28... Grytpype: Moriarty, hasn't it gone dark? They, er, they couldn't have? Help! They've put out the sun! Oh! ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT