Vintage Goons Number 2, Broadcasted 20 March 1957
Based Series 4, Episode 23, Broadcasted on 1 March 1954

                                The Greatest Mountain In The World

ORCHESTRA: ONLY A ROSE

Peter: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) I bring along, a smile and a song, for anywhereeeeeee

Harry: (American accent) Yes, it's song time with Webster Smogpule 

Peter: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) Only a rose, for youuuu

Wallace: Once again welcome to "Your Song Parade", half an hour of glorious musical boredom with songs that your mother loved and everyone else hated

Peter: (Irish accent) Thank you, Dennis Main. Tonight I have included in my repertoire Schubert's violin sonata, guest soloist Billy "uke" Scott. And now request spot; my first request comes from Jack Blonger, a two-headed Mongolian criminal tram driver who is under treatment for the dreaded emulsion of the legs and the green lurgi. Cheer up Jack, I'm alright. And here is your song, and it's called -

Peter: (accompanied on piano singing): One alone, to be my own, alone my love, to find your caressing, songs divine, and you are mine, I wonder how my love -

GRAMS: EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY METAL HITTING GROUND

Wallace: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known BBC tenor Webster Smogpule, the programme and the death were recorded, the next programme follows in one second

Harry: Here is the next programme

Peter: With Patrick Sellers, Isaac Secombe and Tom Milligan we present 

Harry: The Greatest Mountain in the World, or...

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS

Harry: I knew Fred Crute, or...

Peter: (high voice, sort of Bluebottle) The Greatest Mountain in the 
            World

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC INTRODUCTION

Wallace: This story opens in the basement of a disused fish-squirting factory. There, during a meeting, being held by the Royal Geographical and Archaeological Society a member is concluding his speech.

Spike: (fade in) He's got one digging, one covering up, and one looking for fresh places, and that's how King Tutankhamun's Tomb was discovered. I thank you

Peter: Thank you, Sir Mortimer Wheeler 

Spike: I don't wish to know that

Peter: And now pray silence for the right and left honourable Sir Hairy Seagoon, President of the Yong-Tid-Tiddle-I-Po, Honorary Parole Prisoner and twice winner of the Dartmoor Escape Medal  

Neddy: Thank you, gentlemen. Members, in view of Sir Edmund Hilary and Tiger Tenzing's great achievement last year, I have decided to go one better. I intend to climb the highest mountain in the world. 

Peter: (politician voice) But it's already been climbed

Neddy: Ah ha ha ha, your thinking of the one Hilary and Tenzing climbed. Well now, I have news for you, I have discovered a higher one   

Peter: What is its name?

Neddy: Well, I can't keep this mountain a secret for ever, it's bound to leak out eventually. I'll tell, and you're the first men to hear it. It's called (dramatic voice) Mount Everest.

Spike: (Indian voice) Silence, silence there. But the mountain has already been climbed, hooray.

Neddy: Climbed? Climbed? By whom?

Spike: Hilary and Tenzing

Peter: (Indian voice) My goodness, man

Neddy: So, they climbed Mount Everest as well. What a dirty trick! Never mind, I will not be defeated by this dishonest stratagem. I will find a higher mountain 

Spike: (politician) [Laughs wildly pronouncing each laugh individually] And where are we going to find this higher mountain?   

Neddy: Where? Well, I, er...I'll, er.....

Ray: Boss, boss

Neddy: What Ellington?

Ray: Why don't we build a higher mountain?

Neddy: Build our own mountain

Ray: Yeah

Neddy: What rubbish, get out!

GRAMS: DOOR SHUTS

Neddy: Has he gone? 

Spike: Yes

Neddy: Good. Gentlemen, I have a brilliant idea, why don't we build our own mountain? 

Minnie: Bravo buddy, yeah buddy 

Neddy: Thank you, buddy  

Minnie: Okay, buddy

Neddy: Yes. Now where will we build this mountain?

Henry: [incoherent ummmmms]

Neddy: Yes, Mr. Crun?

Henry: I think we should build it in Hyde Park

Neddy: Why Hyde Park?

Henry: Well, it's handy for the busses and shops

Neddy: Hyde, er...yes...Hyde Park...yes...ummm....Any objections?

Spike: Ohhh yes! If we build this mountain on England, England would sink under the weight

Neddy: Sink? In that case, this mountain would be invaluable, people could climb up the side and save themselves from drowning

Spike: Mercy, you're right. Hurry and build it, before we all drown!

Neddy: Splendid. Who will second Mr. Crun's idea?

Henry: I will

Neddy: Anyone else?

Henry: Yes, me

Neddy: Excellent. Mr. Crun, your idea has won support

Henry: I thank them, (sings) I walk in the shadow

Neddy: Yes, I can see that. On Monday then we start cleaning Hyde Park. Failing that we start on Monday. If not, in Hyde Park on Monday. Meeting adjourned 

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK

GRAMS: BULLDOZER SOUNDS

Wallace: Work began, and a great area in the park was cleared. The method was very simple: one digging, one filling in and one looking for fresh places.

Neddy: Foreman Scrumply!

Scrumply (Peter): [jovial laughter, country farm fashion]

Neddy: Glad to hear it. Now, did you drain the water from the Serpentine?

Scrumply: Arrrr, an' we filled it in with solid concrete

Neddy: Concrete, good. That's very good!

Eccles: (singing as he enters) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh de dum de dum de dum, be my love, when would your princess be burning, oh what a beautiful morning  

Neddy: Eccles, what are you doing?

Eccles: Having a good time

Neddy: Having a good time? How did you get that lump on your head?

Eccles: I just dived in the Serpentine

Neddy: Dived in? Didn't you know it was solid concrete?

Eccles: No, but I know now. In any case, I wouldn't dare dive in a pool with water in it?
 
Neddy: Why not?

Eccles: Can't swim

Henry: Oh, hello Lord Seagoon

Eccles: Hello

Henry: Look, look what I've got in this little box

Neddy: Oh, it's a little lump

Henry: Yes, a lump. I'll put it on the ground, there. Now, I'm going to make a mountain out of that

Neddy: What is it?

Henry: (laughing to himself) A mole-hill (Eccles joins in laughter)

GRAMS: LORRY NOISES

Ray: Anyone about here? 

Henry: Yes, us

Ray: What are you three laying down for?

Henry: A very good reason

Ray: What's that?

Henry: You've just run over us 

Ray: Um, are you Mr. Crun?

Henry: Only just

Ray: Well, this parcel on my lorry is for you

Henry: Oh. That will be the mole for my mole-hill. Come on, help me lift it down
             
FX: BOX BEING MOVED (Henry and Eccles struggle with it)

Henry: Good grief, it weighs a ton. Now, let's get the string cut. Eccles, the scissors

Eccles: Okay, here we go

FX: STRING BEING CUT BEHIND ECCLES SPEAKING

Eccles: Oh de dum de dum de dum, a snip there, a snip there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there. How's that?

Henry: Very good, but I didn't want a haircut

FX: BOX BEING OPENED

Neddy: Ah, here he is, the mole

Eccles: Oh yeah, look at him, he must be hungry

Henry: Yes, here boy, here's a nice worm for you

Eccles: (Gulps) Thanks, any more?

Neddy: You idiot Eccles. That was for the mole you -

GRAMS: LION ROARS

Neddy: I say, are you...are you sure he is a mole?

Henry: Of course he's a mole, look here's the letter: "With Love to our dear British friends from your pals the Egyptians", there!

Neddy: Hmmm

GRAMS: LION ROARS

Henry: If you don't believe me read the label around his neck as proof

Neddy: Alright, yes, it says: "L" "I" "O" "N", hmmm, "L" "I" "O" "N"? Mole? "L" "I" "O" -

Henry: Well, what does it say?  

Neddy: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Lion! It's a lion!

Henry: Oh, you silly man you. Ellington, do you think it's a lion?

Ray: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Yes!

GRAMS: LION ROARS DURING FOLLOWING SPEECHES

Henry: Ahhhhhhh! 

Eccles: Oooooooooooh

Henry: Nice pussy! Puss, puss! Pussy, wussy, puss, puss! Here pussy, eat this, it's all for you  

Eccles: Put me down! Help!

GRAMS: FEET RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE

Wallace: The Greatest Mountain In The World, end of Part One. Ices, chocolates and Max Geldray

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA - 1'48''

Peter: The Greatest Mountain In The World, part Two. Now read on.

Wallace: Having escaped from the lion work went ahead on building the mountain. Then, when it had reached a height of ten thousand feet, disaster. At midnight, Crun was awakened

Harry: (strained voice) Pardon me, is this your mountain, sir?

Henry: Yes, I am part owner of it

Harry: It will have to come down, you know. 

Henry: What? 

Harry: It will have to come down. It'll have to be dismantled

Henry: But...What? Who are you?

Harry: Facts: male, name Bogg F, secretenant ministry of works and housing, section 9: "No mountain weighing more than 8 pounds 10 ounces and measuring more than 20 feet may be built within a radius of Nelson's Column."    

Henry: What are you going to do?

Harry: Well, I'll just put these little sticks at the base of the mountain and light the fuses, ay.

FX: MATCH BEING LIT

Henry: Is that all?

Harry: Yes, that's all, thank you. Well, I'd better be going now

Henry: Well goodnight, and a Merry Christmas

Harry: Thank you, and a Happy New Year to you

Henry: What a nice fellow. Now what are these two red sticks he's stuck in here? Oh, there's writing on them. Er, Aaaaaaaaaah! Dynamite! Heeeeeelp! Heeeeelp! (fading away into distance)

GRAMS: DYNAMITE FUSE SIZZLING (SOUNDS LIKE BACON IN PAN)

Eccles: Hello? Hello ho ho ho? Did I hear someone calling? (sniffs) Hmmm, something burning round here. Oooh, what a bit of luck! Two big cigars and they're both lit. Hmmm, let's see, what brand are they now? TNT brand. Hmmm, must be a new make. I'll take a puff on one. (sucks). Hmmmm

GRAMS: SIZZLING STOPS, EXPLOSION 

Eccles: Ummmm, strong! I'd better nip the other one out and save it for later.

Henry: Ahhh! The mountain's all gone! Oooooh Ellington!

Eccles: I aint Ellington

Henry: Hmmm? Oh no, you're not. Yours wipes off doesn't it. Oh, it's Eccles! You're Eccles

Eccles: Yeah - Oh, pleased to meet you Eccles. 

Henry: But the mountain, blown to pieces

Neddy: Oh, what's happened? Where's my mountain?

Henry: Gone! Destroyed! Smashed to pieces by the Ministry of Works

Neddy: We'll call an immediate meeting of the Royal Alpine Society

ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL LINK AND ALPINE SOCIETY THEME TUNE

Spike: incoherent speech (such phrases as "I have never...")

OMNES: Here here, bravo

Neddy: Well gentlemen, Lord Elpus has made it quite clear. We have no option. We have to start building another mountain in another country. I therefore call upon Major Bloodnok for advice.

Major: Ah Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha! (grunts) Ha Ha Ha! And other disgusting noises! Gentlemen, I have the answer to this problem. 

Minnie: Bravo buddy! 

Major: Silence, Miss Bannister, or I'll mugle your crampons with me griff club      

Minnie: Ooooooooooh!

Major: Now to biz. Mount Everest, it's 5 miles high isn't it? Yes?

Harry: Yes

Major: But it measures 12 miles across the bottom 

Neddy: Well?

Major: Well - all we need to do is tip Mount Everest on its side and we'll have a mountain 12 miles high 

Neddy: How do you intend tipping Mount Everest on its side?

Major: Well, isn't it obvious?

Neddy: No

Major: Then I have another idea. Why don't we saw the top off Everest, insert a portion of some other mountain underneath, thus raising Everest another hundred feet

Neddy: Uuuuuum, no, it would be cheating and against the International Alpine law

Major: Gentlemen

Peter: Oooooh! Might I interpose? (Harry does a raspberry) Thank you. I know of a mountain that is higher than Mount Everest

Eccles: Oooooooh!

Neddy: Well said Eccles

Peter: This mountain is 33,000 feet high

Neddy: And it's name?

Peter: Fred. Mount Fred. There is, however, one snag. It is under the sea, 300 kilguri fathoms down

Neddy: Well, it's worth a try, hands up those in favour. Well now gentlemen it is decided we sail on an expedition ship to locate the sunken mountain. Ellington?

Ray: (exaggerated upper class English accent): Er, yes, dear boy?

Neddy: Clear the decks

Ray: At your leisure

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET - 2'31''

Peter: The Mighty Mountain, part Three. Read on

Neddy: We fitted out a magnificent expedition vessel. To make the ship safe we sent it by boat. And soon we hove to above the mighty Mount Fred

GRAMS: OARS IN WATER

Henry: Lower the anchor

Eccles: Okay

GRAMS: SPLASH

Henry: Shouldn't it have had a chain attached to it?

Eccles: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it couldn't have been a very good anchor

Henry: Why not?

Eccles: It sank, didn't it?

Wallace: Ah, Major, sir. Your secret deep sea observation bathysphere the X9 is ready to be lowered over the side 

Major: Well I'm afraid we can't use it, you see there's a slight technical fault

Wallace: What's that?

Major: The whole thing's useless. However I found another method of making false meat balls 

Neddy: False meat balls? 

Major: Yes

Neddy: Major Bloodnok, we have not come 6,000 miles out here with all this ultra-modern submarine equipment and diving apparatus equipped for deep sea mountain climbing to make false meat balls

Major: And why not?

Neddy: Because we've come to climb the highest undersea mountain in the world

Major: Strice me dongler and hell me iron thudders, what blasted idiot thought of that?

Neddy: You did, sir

Major: What a brilliant idea! 

Ray: Er, may I interrupt you for a second?

Major: Yes, what do you want?

Ray: Nothing, I just want to interrupt

Major: Get out of here you naughty little boy, you! Oh, you naughty little thing!

Neddy: Major

Major: What?

Neddy: According to our calculations we are almost above Mount Fred

Major: Then action! 

OMNES: mumbles and talks amongst themselves

Major: Men, to climb this under water giant we shall need the following: Alpine stocks, ski's, rope, crampons, crevices, grappling irons and tents

Neddy: Tents? But this climb is under water!

Major: Thud me you're right! Include umbrellas, raincoats and Miss Myrtle Penelope Dimple  

Neddy: What's she for?

Major: I like the woman

Neddy: How are we going to carry all the heavy equipment?

Major: Camels

Neddy: Camels? Camels live under water? That's mad! 

Major: Of course, only mad camels could live under water. We're in condition tonight. Do you think I am crazy?

Neddy: Yes

Major: What a splendid judge of character this fellow is. Now what's this? Ah! Yes, provisions. Most important, paraffin cookers for cooking paraffin. 

Neddy: You can't cook under water

Major: Of course not, we shall surface for all meals, you understand. And now, how far is it to the base of the mountain? Er, get ready all you climbers! (Spike gurgles) 

Neddy: Er, how do you intend getting down to the mountain

Major: Quite simple, one digging, one filling in and one - no, no, no, I mean, er, I mean my famous fireman system, we lower a greasy pole over the ship's side and we all slide down to the mountain top and plant the British flag

Neddy: No, no, no. That would never do

Major: What?

Neddy: That would be a foul. You can't climb down to get to the top of a mountain. The International Alpine Club state categorically that all mountains must be climbed up to get to the top   

Major: Flood my cistern with galloping crabs, you mean we've got to climb to the bottom and then climb up again?

Neddy: Yes

Major: (Gasps) Thud. How far is it to the very bottom? 

Neddy: Approximately 3 miles, to be exact 3 miles.

Major: Much too far to walk, everybody in the car we'll drive down. Ellington, away we go

Ray: Right. 

GRAMS: CAR STARTS AND ZOOMS AWAY FOLLOWED BY SPLASH AND BUBBLING

Wallace: To enable the story of the underwater epic to be continued the BBC have installed microphones at the base camp of Mount Fred on the North Col and at the summit. Now read on.

GRAMS: CAR RUNNING SMOOTHLY AS BLOODNOK SPEAKS

Major: Stop the car!

GRAMS: CAR BRAKES AS CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT

Major: We're lost, lost! Lord Seagoon, ask a native where we are.

Neddy: Right, sir. I'll knock on this oyster

FX: KNOCKING FOLLOWED BY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

GRAMS: OYSTER OPENS LIKE A RUSTY DOOR 

Minnie: Yes?

Neddy: Oh, is Pearl in?

Minnie: No, no, no. Pearl isn't in, but I'm her mother

Neddy: Of course, you must be Mother of Pearl (laughs at his own joke)

Minnie: Yes, yes. What do you want buddy? 

Neddy: Could you direct me to Mount Fred?

Minnie: I'm a stranger down here buddy

Neddy: You'll regret this buddy, (Minnie argues during this speech) you can't trifle with the British Empire buddy, (both go on arguing ending each sentence in "Buddy")

Major: Come on Seagoon, stop arguing, don't argue. Get in. Drive on Ray.

Ray: Okay

Eccles: Hey, look what I met, an octopus

Major: Well don't stop to shake hands or we'll be here all day. Drive on Ray

Ray: Okay again

GRAMS: CAR STARTS AND ZOOMS OFF INTO DISTANCE FADING AWAY

Major: He should have waited for us!

Neddy: Yes, now we're hopelessly lost

Major: Lost! Rubbish! I know exactly where we are

Neddy: Where?

Major: Here

Neddy: I do believe you're right, I do believe so. Nevertheless someone must surface and see where we are. Now let me see, who shall it be, (calling) Bluebottle

Bluebottle: I heard you calling me my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. England expects. Sticks hand up jumper in Lord Nelson pose. Moves left stage way.

Neddy: Bluebottle, I want you to get to the surface

Bluebottle: Okay, surface it shall be, I shall sur-face. Quickly puts on LCC men's night only bathing drawers. I am ready cap-tain. Pray tell me, how do I get to the top-ed. 

Neddy: Just grab the horn of this submerged mine

Bluebottle: Oh jolly good. (struggles and gulps) 'Ere, do not mines go off bang?  

Neddy: Of course not, do your duty Bluebottle

Bluebottle: I knew it was safe for me to do my duty Bluebottle. Moves forward over to mine. Grabs hold of horn, very gently. Ahhh, it is safe. I did not believe you at first, but now I know that - 

GRAMS: EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY TELEPHONE RINGING

Neddy: Hello? 

Bluebottle: (on other end of phone) You rotten swine, you! Oh, you have deaded me again. Oh, struck down (?) in my prime. Farewell I say. Pushes button B. Gets money back, exits to NAAFI before tea

Neddy: I've...I've deaded him.  

Eccles: Ooooooooh!

Neddy: I'll have to tell his mother

Eccles: Yeah, that will cheer her up, yeah

Henry: Lord Seagoon

Neddy: Oh, it's Marilyn Monroe

Eccles: Oooooooooooooh! Here, here! OOoooh!

Henry: Get your hands away from me Eccles

Neddy: Mr. Crun! How can I mistake you for Marilyn Monroe?

Henry: I got air bubbles in the seat of my trousers

Neddy: I see

Henry: Now I've come down to tell you that the explosion has blown Mount Fred to bits

Neddy: What? Oh, curse! The only mountain taller than Everest and wee Georgie Wood! Oh, that's ruined our chances (sobbing)

Eccles: Oh, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Here, here, here, steady, have a cigar

Neddy: Thanks

Eccles: It's one I got from that Ministry of Works fellow

Neddy: Hmmmm, strong aren't they?

Eccles: Yeah

GRAMS: EXPLOSION

Wallace: We regret to announce the death of Lord Seagoon, Mr. Crun and Eccles. The programme was recorded. Good night.

Eccles: Yeah, good night folks, Have a good time.

Wallace: You're supposed to be deaded 

Eccles: No, I'm not deaded
  
Bluebottle: Hurry up and be deaded and then you can go home for tea 

Neddy: Yeah, come on Eccles be deaded

Eccles: No, I'm not going to be deaded

Neddy Bluebottle and Eccles: argue fiercely until the music overpowers them

ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray, the Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott , script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. It is now proven that the cast were all deaded. The London Palladium is now appearing in Argyll Street, Argyll Street is also appearing there. Philip Harbon has not been properly deaded, neither has Kay Hammond. Now read on.  

ORCHESTRA: ORCHESTRA, MAX GELDRAY AND RAY ELLINGTON PLAY OUT

 
Revised: Paul Webster - June and August 2001