Series 5, Episode 17, Broadcast 18 January 1955 China Story Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service, and jolly good programmes they put on, too Peter: (very camp) Oh isn't he a lovely talker? Harry: (strained) Thank you, could you say some more, mister, please? Wallace: Why certainly, this is Wallace Greenslade saying "Winds light to variable" Peter: (very theatrical) Oh Greenslade, how can they afford you? Harry: (himself) Because 12 shillings a week is nothing to the highly esteemed Goon Show! ORCHESTRA: VERY SIMPLE PERCUSSION AND VOCALS, PRIMITIVE CULTURE STYLE Harry: Thank you listeners, next dance please. Mr. Greenslade loosen that plastic sporran and make the introduction [??Maggie Hinton??] Wallace: Listeners and losteners, we present an ancient Chinese play translated from an old Greek soup recipe found engraved on the seat of a dustman's trousers in East Acton. The trousers can now be inspected in the Science Museum, internal combustion section. This play was especially writted for the wireless Peter: (very theatrical) Wireless! Curse! This means the end of the horned phonograph and the little doggie that looks in to it. Exits left FX: GONG STRIKES Peter: (Chinese) Hello, you there. Oh boy, get this, we give you (and how) one hot story of old home town. Okay Wally take it away. Ovature and beginners for China Story. Oh boy. ORCHESTRA: Dramatic lead in - Chinese flavour Neddy: Strange people, the Chinese, there are over 500 million of them. Peter: (effeminate) Well they've only got themselves to blame. Neddy: Thank-you registrar of births. My name is Neddy Seagoon and my chow-lady calls me Ducks - due to a certain disease I have. I'm well known in China and voted best dressed man of 1904 - in 1955 GRAMS: HARRY SECOMBE WHINING IN HIGH PITCH VOICE, FOLLOWED BY A SPLASH Neddy: It was Christmas night on the waterfront of the Shanghai. Still, it had to come some time. As I walked the crowded streets people seemed to know I was British - was it my bearing, the cut of my dentures or was it the 8 foot flood-lit Union Jack tied round my head? I'll never know Grytpype: Yikes, Tally-Ho nutty! Have a noodle Neddy: The words came from a two-legged, grey-headed man going bald at the knees. He was bent backwards eating a bowl of unchopped-sui from a leopard skin bladder. With a wave of his foot he beckoned me over Grytpype: He ignored my invitation, but then I said something that had him at my side - money! GRAMS: WHOOSH! Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon Grytpype: Have a noodle FX: CLUNK Neddy: Thank you. You called me over Grytpype: Yes Neddy: What do you want? Grytpype: Well you have a kind face Neddy: You can't have it, it's a fixture Grytpype: A fixture, ey? My you are lumbered Neddy: Have a care, sir, I'm not a man to be laughed at Grytpype: I know, I've seen your act ... the ummm singing shaver isn't it? Neddy: I have my dark secrets Ray: Man, so do I! Neddy: Silence, Ellington <, or I'll have the white-washed brushes at you> Grytpype: Well said, Neddy. Oh, Neddy, this gentleman here is Count Moriarty, French overland saxophone champion Neddy: speaks French fluently Moriarty: So, the pen of your aunt is in the garden, eh? You're a stranger in town, are you, lad? Neddy: Stranger? I came here as a boy Grytpype: I didn't think you came here as a girl. Oh, I don't know, though. You Chinese are damn clever people Neddy: I'll have you know I'm English! Moriarty: English? But that ragged kilt and your toes sticking out at the end of your feet Neddy: In my position that's no shame Moriarty: You're not - Neddy: Yes! The British ambassador Grytpype: Poor fellow, you must be starving, have a noodle FX: CLUNK Neddy: Thank you Grytpype: Waiter, two iced-rickshaws and a furkin of rice. So, you're the British ambassador Neddy: Yes Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you! Moriarty: We wish to know that. Now do we take it, Mr. Seagoon, that you are pressed for money? Neddy: Yes Moriarty: Hmm, interesting, ey, Mister Grytpype? Grytpype: Yes. Come Neddy, have another noodle FX: CLUNK Neddy: Thank you Grytpype: Neddy, how would you like 50 million yen? Neddy: In cash Moriarty: Crazy boy, Seagoon, you've heard of the fiendish Chinese leader? Neddy: Not General Cash-My-Cheque? Moriarty: Yes. Listen lad he's willing to pay that sum to anybody who can smuggle him a certain English Rosewood upright piano with brass candle-holders Neddy: Tell me more gentlemen Grytpype: Well, Neddy, this is the plan <**Next section cut from one version> Troubadour: (Spike) Pardon me kind sir - will you three gentlemen be sitting here for the next few minutes? (SINGS - Strolling Vagabond) Moriarty: Yes - Now Seagoon this is the idea we had Troubadour: Gentlemen you heard my melody, and I think that this little wooden box with a slit in the top to you Moriarty: Yes - Neddie - the first thing you have to do Troubadour: Gentlemen I understand - you want an encore. Oh joy (Sings) FX: Gunshot Moriarty: Well done Moriaty - just check the little wooden box would you. Now Seagoon, think our offer over would you and I'll get in touch with you on the phone tomorrow Neddy: Till tomorrow then FX: GONG STRIKES Everybody: Chinese crowd gibberish Neddy: Back at the embassy I pondered over Grytpype Thynnes' offer. Why on earth did General Cash-My-Cheque want a certain English upright Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders? Cunning people, the fiendish Chinese, you never know which whey they're going to go! I was just about to retire for the night when - <** next section cut from one version> when there was a tap at the window FX: Tap on window - open window Neddy: Hello - hello - anybody out there in the dark FX: Tin of money rattles Troubadour: (Starts singing again) FX: Gunshot Neddy: Shot him FX: Phone rings Neddy: Hello Peter: Call for you - you're through Neddy: Hello Spike: Neddy: Blast that man FX: Door Peter: Sir - this record has just arrived, marked Urgent Neddy: Quick put it on Troubador: Neddy: A pox on the man FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP Neddy: Yes? Grytpype: (other end of the phone) Neddy, Grytpype Thynne here. have you made a decision about the certain English upright? Neddy: Yes, I need the money, I'll do the job. But where do I get that certain English upright Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders? Grytpype: Go to the tea-house of the August Goon Neddy: Just a minute, I'll take that down. "Go to the tea-house of the August Goon", right Grytpype: Got that down? Neddy: Yes Grytpype: Burn it at once Neddy: Right Grytpype: Now set fire to the ashes Neddy: Yes - Yes, I've done that Grytpype: Good, now memorise the remains Neddy: Right Grytpype: Splendid. Now say after me, "I am an idiot" Neddy: I am an idiot Grytpype: Right. Now, when you arrive there knock 6,000 times and ask for Ah-Pong Neddy: But how do I get there? Grytpype: How do you get there? Where are you now? Neddy: I'm standing by the phone Grytpype: Good, start asking your way from there Neddy: Thank you FX: PHONE PUT BACK ON HOOK Neddy: I should be there in 3 minutes Just in time for a fiendish Chinese gentleman, Mlax Gleldray, to have a blowout ORCHESTRA: MAX GELDRAY AND THE ORCHESTRA FX: GONG STRIKES Everyone: gibberish Chinese crowd noises Neddy: On arrival at the tea house, as instructed, I knocked 6,000 times GRAMS: STEADY KNOCKING GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP UNTIL SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE GUN FIRING FX: DOOR OPENS Throat: Yes? Neddy: Tea house of the August Goon? Throat: No FX: DOOR SLAMS Neddy: Curse, it's next door! It's always next door in China! GRAMS: STEADY KNOCKING GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP UNTIL SOUNDS LIKE A MACHINE GUN FIRING FX: DOOR OPENS Peter: (Chinese) Somebody knock? Neddy: Yes, tea-house of August Goon? Peter: Yes sir Neddy: You are Ah-Pong? Peter: Yes, we are ah-pong till 11 o'clock Neddy: I've come about a certain English rosewood upright Peter: Ah, you are Nleddy Sleegoon, yeah? Neddy: Yes, Blitish Ambassador Peter: Ah good, good, good! Follow me please Neddy: I was lead through a bead curtain and across the floor, so cunningly laid that no matter where you stood it was always under your feet. <**Cut on one version> In the far corner of the tearoom I could see the sinister oriental saxophonist Fred Fu Macnchu playing strict tempo Chinese ballroom music GRAMS: Chinese Ballroom music! Finally I was lead to a military man reclining on a coolie. Bloodnok: Aaaah! So you're the man who's going to do the job Neddy: Yes Bloodnok: So, about the certain English rosewood upright piano Neddy: Yes, where is it? Bloodnok: Upriver at the Kowloon Missionary Neddy: Kowloon? That's 600 miles away! Bloodnok: Is it? GRAMS: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE, SILENCE, FOOTSTEPS RUNNING BACK TOWARDS MICROPHONE Neddy: Yes, it's exactly 600 miles Bloodnok: That's too far to travel, therefore we shall take the fiendish Chinese river-steamer tonight FX: GONG STRIKES Neddy: In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the sound of a silence being broken Bloodnok: Ah, Seagoon! I've just been speaking to the fiendish Chinese Captain, he says we'll be in Kowloon at 2300 hours Neddy: What time is that? Bloodnok: I don't know, my watch only goes up to 12 Neddy: Curse this fiendish Chinese triple-summertime <**Cut from one version> FX: Splash ??: Ah - a man overbloard Neddy: I'll save him. Quick Bloodnok - hold my coat FX: SPLASH Bloodnok: Brave man Seagoon, brave man, brave brave man Now let me see - blast not a penny in any of his pockets Neddy: I've got him. Haul me aboard Everyone: Neddy: Lay him down gently Bloodnok: Poor fellow he's soaking wet Neddy: Strange - it hasn't been raining Bloodnok: He's coming one Troubador: (noises of coming round) Bloodnok: He's coming to (2) Neddy: Who are you poor wayfairer? Troubador: SINGS - I'm only a poor ... FX: SPLASH Bloodnok: Well hurled - full spleed ahelad Orchestra: CHINESE LINK FX: GONG STRIKES Neddy: By mid-day the following month we arrived at the fiendish Chinese river port of Kowloon Bloodnok: But to our bearded horror we discovered that missionary Crun had put the certain English upright rosewood piano up for auction Neddy: We had no option but to bid against 300 fiendish oriental John China men Everyone: gibberish Chinese crowd atmosphere FX: JUDGE'S HAMMER HIT 3 TIMES Henry: Attention, fiendish Chinese bidders, the auction commences. First object to come under the hammer is this glass jar FX: GLASS JAR SMASHED BY HAMMER Henry: The next object is this certain English rosewood upright. Now then, let us start the bidding at 1 pound Harry: (Chinese) £1 10s Spike: (Chinese) £2 Ray:(Chinese) £3 Harry: £3 10s Peter: (Chinese) £3 15s Harry: Thlee pounds flifteen and slixpence Ray: £4 10s Peter: £4 10s 10-pence Harry: £5 Peter: Flive pounds Spike: Flive pounds and flive Henry: Any advance on flive pounds flive? Wallace: (Chinese) Flive pounds flive and 4-pence Spike: Flip-flong Peter: Flip-flong ten Harry: Splen plon Ray: Blasee-a-blas-bing Spike: Bloo-bla-bing Harry: Bing-bang-bloom Peter: Bing-bang-blom Minnie: Ying-Tong Harry: Ying-Tong-Iddle Minnie: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I Harry: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po Everyone: Yaooh! Henry: Any advance on Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po? Wallace: (himself) Ladies and gentlemen, the BBC have asked me to tell you the sentence Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po has no meaning at all and is not a form of currency. Therefore in bidding Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po for the piano it has proved that the bidders are fiendish Chinese. We return you now to the fiendish auction Everyone: gibberish Chinese crowd atmosphere Henry: Any advance on fiendish Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po? Neddy: £10 Henry: Mnnk! Sold for £10! FX: JUDGE'S HAMMER STRUCK ONCE Moriarty: Well done, Neddy boy, well done! Neddy: Moriarty! Moriarty: Yes Neddy: Grytpype Thynne! What are you doing here? Moriarty: This is the reason: Before that piano can be dispatched to the secret Chinese NAAFI of Cash-My-Cheque, the keyboard must be reversed Neddy: Why? Grytpype: Well you see, Neddy, fiendish Chinese pianists always play from right to left Neddy: What fiendish Chinese cunning! Grytpype: Yes. Now, out you go and get me a packet of Coolies Neddy: Cork-tipped, of course Grytpype: Of course Neddy: Right! Grytpype: I say, Moriarty Moriarty: Yes? Grytpype: Do you think he suspects? Moriarty: About the time-bomb in the piano to kill Cash-My-Cheque? Grytpype: No Moriarty: No Grytpype: No. Have you wired it up to explode? Moriarty: Yes it detonated when a certain note is played, listen ORCHESTRA: PIANO PLAYS A TUNE (CHOPSTICKS) MINUS LAST NOTE OF REFRAIN Moriarty: This is the note ORCHESTRA: FINAL NOTE OF REFRAIN PLAYED Grytpype: You have a copy of that music? Moriarty: But of course Grytpype: In Chinese? Moriarty: Yes, scored from right to left and upwards Grytpype: Brilliant, brilliant! Then tomorrow we send Seagoon and the piano to the fiendish Chinese NAAFI and that will be the last of our dreaded rival General Cash-My-Cheque Grytpype: Meantime what am I bid for this record of fiendish Gladys Ellington? MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET - Lover Come Back To Me Neddy: August the third, moving inland through the bandit province of Yanghtsee towards the secret Chinese NAAFI, strapped to the back of a mule was the certain English etcetera etcetera with brass candle- holders - I said etcetera etcetera because it saved me saying the full sentence which was a certain English rosewood upright piano with brass candle-holders. That's why I said etcetera etcetera, thought you might like to know Bloodnok: Seagoon, stop the caravan, there is someone behind those fiendish Chinese bushes ahead Neddy: Hand me that loaded Chinaman Bloodnok: Don't point him at me! Neddy: It's alright I've got a safety catch on. <**Cut from one version> Neddy: Who's that behind the bush? Come on who are you? Troubador: (Sings) FX: GUNSHOT Neddy: Got him. Wait there's someone else Neddy: Ahoy there, come out from behind that bush! Bluebottle: Wait a minute, don't shoot at me! Neddy: Come on out Bluebottle: Enter Bluebottle. Is the Bluebottle popularity slipping? Yes Neddy: Who are you, you little high-bred wreck Bluebottle: I'm a member of General Cash-My-Cheque's secret NAAFI. Strikes dramatic pose as done in film "The Bridges of Totorees", by Grace Kennings and William Holding in a Japanese bath scene. Thinks: I wouldn't mind a bath night like that. Tee-hee! Neddy: Have you proof of your identity? Bluebottle: Yes I have, my cap-i-tain, yes. Look: points to Chinese dragon tattooed at great expense on tail of shirt Neddy: What does that prove? Bluebottle: It proves that I have a Chinese dragon tattooed on the tail of my shirt at great expense. Thinks: I've got a Chinese dragon tattooed to the tail of my - Neddy: Yes, yes, yes. But why have you got that boot full of Chinese porridge strapped to your head? Bluebottle: I always have a bowl of Chinese porridge strapped on my head on a Monday Neddy: But today's Tuesday Bluebottle: Is it? Oh, I feel a proper fool! Tee-hee! Thank-you Chinese sausages Neddy: Stop those radio award jokes. Now how far are we from the secret Chinese NAAFI of General Cash-My-Cheque? Bluebottle: I will not tell you, you're not talking nicely to little Bluebottle Neddy: Fiendish China man Gladys Ellington, take charge of this man Ray: Right! Come on, come on you mushroom legs! Bluebottle: Eeeeeh! take your hands off my little arm, you might rub off on me. Here, you're not Chinese Woman's voice: How do you know? Bluebottle: I can tell by your eyes Ray: Come on, come on now, how far do we go until the secret Chinese NAAFI? Bluebottle: I don't like this game. <**Cut on one version> Bluebottle: It's a rotton game. Lets play naughty ??? being fired game. Neddy: Tell us, or we play Bluebottle and taxidermists Bluebottle: No, no! I'll tell you! It is across this river, it is behind the Great Wall of China. Ying-Tong-Iddle-Idding-Ing-Ping Neddy: Guards, forward! GRAMS: FOUR WHOOSHES IN A ROW Bluebottle: Right, here we are at the secret fiendish Chinese NAAFI. I will knock-ed FX: FEW KNOCKS ON DOOR AND OPENS Peter: (Chinese) Oh boy, look, it's a Bluebottle and honourable piano. Look, bloys, honourable naughty piano has arrived Everybody: (Chinese) Hip-Hip-Hullay! Hip-Hip-Hullay! Neddy: Together - FX: HEAVY OBJECT BEING DRAGGED OVER SCREAMS Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen, while our heroes are getting the certain English piano up on the stage of the secret Chinese NAAFI I would like to draw your attention to page 52 of this week's Radio Times. It shows a 3 quarter rear view of a lady wearing a pair of corsets. we would like to point out that this is an advertisement and not a programme, though I must say it might be the basis of a jolly good show. I see now that the certain English piano is in position and a fiendish Chinese pianist is about to play Everybody: gibberish Chinese crowd atmosphere Harry: (Chinese) Silence, please silence! Honourable pianist will now play western style tune ORCHESTRA: PIANO PLAYS SAME TUNE AS BEFORE BUT STOPS BEFORE THE LAST NOTE Grytpype: Curse it, Moriarty, he hasn't played the note! ORCHESTRA: PIANO PLAYS SAME TUNE AS BEFORE BUT STOPS BEFORE THE LAST NOTE Grytpype: Oh, he's missed it again! Moriarty: Chinese gentlemen, don't fret! Your poor fiendish pianist can't play the piano so I will sing you another melody. Could I have an A please? ORCHESTRA: PIANO PLAYS AN A, THE FINAL NOTE OF THE PREVIOUS TUNE GRAMS: GIANT EXPLOSION, GLASS SMASHING AND OBJECTS FALLING ON FLOOR Grytpype: Damned clever these Chinese! ORCHESTRA: CLOSING THEME TUNE Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. Bluebottle: I didn't get deaded this week! Tee-hee! ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT Update: Paul Webster - 27-March-2001. Included TS cuts and corrected some mishearings