From alt.fan.goons Sat Nov 5 21:41:30 1994 Path: rahul.net!a2i!sgiblab!munnari.oz.au!yarrina.connect.com.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!aggedor.rmit.EDU.AU!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!insosf1.infonet.net!usenet.ee.pdx.edu!cs.uoregon.edu!news.uoregon.edu!netnews.nwnet.net!news.u.washington.edu!pogo!josh From: josh@pogo.cqs.washington.edu (doc) Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons Subject: Script: The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fumanchu Date: 3 Nov 1994 22:08:41 GMT Organization: University of Washington Lines: 881 Message-ID: <39bn19$1g2@news.u.washington.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: pogo.cqs.washington.edu Well, folks, it was either type this in or do some work. FX: Coins clink Thank you! And now, I present: The Terrible Revenge of Fred Fumanchu (Series 6; 6 December 1955) WALLACE This is the BBC Home Service. Now here is a record. Grams: Scratch. Wallace (pre-recorded) saying 'This is the BBC Home Service.' WALLACE We present the Eddie Calvert of the East, Fred FUMANCHUanchu and his Bamboo Saxophone. PETER But let us turn back the clock to the year 1895 -- the year of the Great Exhibition at the Crystal Palace. Orchestra: Fanfare FX: (fade in) crowd noise PATSY HAGEN My lords, ladies and gentlemen -- we come now to the concluding round of the world's international heavyweight saxophone contest -- from the Orient, with his bamboo saxophone -- Fred FUMANCHUanchu! Grams: slight clapping FUMANCHU I thank you. PATSY HAGEN And on my right, representing the Empire and wearing the kilt, a shamrock, four leeks and a thistle, with a turban made out of our glorious Union Jack -- Major Dennis Bloodnok -- an Englishman! Grams: Furore, cheers PATSY HAGEN First we will give a fair hearing to Mr Fred Fumanchu. FUMANCHU I thank you. (clears throat) Orchestra: 'Valse Vanite' (last 8 bars) (Silence) PATSY HAGEN And now we will hear from the British contender -- Major Bloodnok! Grams: Vast cheers BLOODNOK Thank you. (clears throat) Orchestra: One note PATSY HAGEN The winner! Grams: Vast cheers, Crowd singing 'There'll Always be an England' PATSY HAGEN Quiet! Quiet please! Quiet! By the merest chance, it so happens that Major Bloodnok's name is already engraved on this magnificent silver cup. Grams: Swamp with cheers FUMANCHU Stop -- English people most dishonest! I make terrible revenge on white man. Orchestra: Dramatic chords WALLACE 'The Fearful Revenge of Fred Fumanchu -- the disappointed oriental bamboo saxophone.' Chapter One. A Blow Is Struck. FX: thud WALLACE Oooh! PETER Chapter Two. Funeral Of An Announcer. Grams: Fast funeral march (fade) HARRY Chapter Three. WALLACE The scene is in Outer Mongolia where within a life-sized reproduction of the Kremlin, three sinister figures are stooping over a hellish brew in a magnificently-equipped laboratory. Grams: bubbling FUMANCHU (raging) Oh Boy! You see this liquid here? It will bling just retlibution on all white men for foul tlick prayed on me at Clystal Parrace Exposition. Anybody dlinking one dlop of this liquid will immediately explode anything he points at. Oh! Hot Diggoty! We have plenty fun. HARRY (Chinese) But how are we going to get fatal liquid dlunk by stupid white man? FUMANCHU Simple. Put in whiskey bottle and leave in Hyde Park. WALLACE Six months later-- Orchestra: Passage of time BLOODNOK Ah! Here I am, six months later, in Hyde Park. And see! Someone has put a naughty bottle of whiskey by my ancestral home -- i.e. the dustbin. Any questions? And aaah! Unless I am much mistaken I am about to open the bottle. FX: Bottle -- Pop BLOODNOK Thank you. (Gulps) Ah! That's better. FX: slight explosion BLOODNOK Manners! FUMANCHU Pardon me, please. BLOODNOK What do you want, you fiendish yellow devil carrying a bamboo saxophone? Are you one of those Boxer villains? FUMANCHU Pardon? BLOODNOK Have you never heard of the Boxer Rising? FUMANCHU Only after a count of ten. BLOODNOK I don't wish to know that. FUMANCHU Kind fliend, will do honolable favour, please? BLOODNOK What do you want me to do? How much? Anything for money. Here's the advertisement I put in the paper. See -- 'Wanted -- Money! No reasonable offer refused'. FUMANCHU Now, please. Here five shilling. Point finger at policeman over there. BLOODNOK Right. Grams: Explosion BLOODNOK Good heavens, I've exploded a constable. I've never known a copper to go so far. What does this mean? FUMANCHU It means you will point at everything I tell you and poof! BLOODNOK I won't do it. You'll have to force me. FUMANCHU What with? BLOODNOK Money. FUMANCHU Very well. But you are my plisoner. Only I can remove your fatal power. Raise hands and ears above head, please, and follow me. (goes off) BLOODNOK You've got me. (Aside) But don't worry, listeners, I will secretly type a help note and leave it with a life-like oil-portrait of this yellow fiend underneath a convenient stone along with this recording of Max Geldray. There. Max & Orchestra, `Exactly Like You' WALLACE `The Dreadful Revenge of...' Er...um....that fellow -- you know, that chap with the explodable finger...what's his name...er...I'll get it in a minute. Don't go away...(hums and haws). PETER (close to mike) I'd like to tell listeners now that Mr Greenslade is the only BBC announcer not so far approached by commercial television. WALLACE I've got it! `Fred Fumanchu', Part Two. NED That night I was in my office at Scotland Yard listening to the commercial telly with the picture turned down. Grams: Ellington (distorted), `We interrupt this advertisement to give police message. Scotland Yard anxious to contact man with explodable finger accompanied by sinister Chinaman who have already blown up 27,000 metal saxophones. Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0.' FX: Click NED Sergeant! THROAT Yes? NED This is terrible! Birmingham 4, Arsenal 0, and that dreadful Chinese saxophone destroyer! My honour as Chief Commissioner depends upon his instant apprehension. By heavens! I'll offer a thousand pounds for -- MORIARTY A thousand pounds for what? THYNNE Let me do the talking, Moriarty...our card. NED What's this? `Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty -- Eiffel Tower Specialists'? That's no good to me. I want men to track down a saxophone exploder. THYNNE Exactly. These Eiffel Towers are just a disguise. Moriarty, take off your Eiffel Tower. There -- you can see underneath he's wearing his anti-saxophone exploding set. NED The very men I want. Get Fred Fumanchu! MORIARTY What about the money -- the money? NED I'll give you an advance. Here's an oil painting of a cheque for three hundred pounds. THYNNE Good. Moriarty, take this to the Royal Academy and cash it. MORIARTY Right. FX: Whoosh THYNNE Back to the case. Now then, Neddie, whom do you suspect? NED The Referee. He was obviously on Birmingham's side. Arsenal should have been three up by... THYNNE I know that. I meant the saxophone exploder. NED Ah, yes, Fred Fumanchu. He's trying to finish Britain as a saxophone-playing nation. THYNNE Gad! That goes pretty deep. Then we've got to stop him. Where is this fiend? NED I'm told he's in the vicinity. THYNNE Then we must wait till he comes out. NED But he'll recognize us in these uniforms of plain-clothes men. THYNNE Then we'll disguise ourselves. I know -- you put on Moriarty's Eiffel Tower and I'll walk behind in mine. NED But wait! If Fumanchu sees _two_ Eiffel Towers together he'll know one of them is a phoney. THYNNE Neddie, you have a sharp mind. Two Eiffel Towers must never be seen together. Take it off and we'll use my portable Nelson's column instead. You stand on top and I'll wheel you along. NED But won't that be rather conspicuous? THYNNE Certainly not, Neddie. I'll enclose the whole thing in a cardboard replica of Charing Cross Station. NED To think I doubted you! Have this water-colour of a cheque for 50 pounds. THYNNE Thank you. Moriarty! FX: Whoosh MORIARTY Yes, yes? THYNNE Take this to the Royal Institute of Water-Colour Painters and have it changed into woodcuts. FX: Whoosh THYNNE Now, Neddie, are you on top of the column? Right! Off we go! FX: fade in under following, slight traffic WALLACE And so, disguised as Charing Cross Station on wheels, they moved cautiously up the Strand until they were suddenly halted at the Adelphi by a familiar voice. BLOODNOK Roll up! Tonight for one night only! Jim Fumanchu, amazing oriental conjurer. No relation to Fred. Seats at the box office, or, at a slight reduction, from me personally. NED (whispers) Look, Grytpype -- Dennis Bloodnok, the confederate of Fumanchu! Jim must be Fred in disguise. No Chinaman could have a name like Jim. MORIARTY Neddie! We've got him! You cover the back and we'll cover the front. THYNNE And that's how he got away at the side. FX: eight Chinese gabbling like Keystone Cops. Car revved up fast and away NED There he goes! FX: two shots MORIARTY I think you've wounded him. Yes! Look! Here's a trail of fresh noodles. NED After him! Quick! Into the squad car and hold tight. FX: Coconut shells or slow record of horse and cart NED Can't you go any faster? MORIARTY Of course. FX: Horse and cart effect speeded up to fantastic speed NED Stop! FX: stops at once NED We've reached a crossroads. MORIARTY Wait! The trail of noodles has stopped and continues with preserved ginger. NED We must hurry. He's reached his last course. Which road has he taken? MORIARTY The one to Dewsbury. NED Then we haven't a moment to lose. Giddap! FX: Horse and carts restarts and speeds up. Fade down under: WALLACE Dewsbury! That was the significant word. As Seagoon well knew, in Dewsbury resided the player-owner of the last remaining metal saxophone in England. Fade in: FX: Bubbling cauldron, continuing under and mixed with Music: Corny hot sax solo: "Yellow Rose of Texas" FX: terrific steam jet Music: out MINNIE (screams) CRUN Keep it still, Min. Hold that saxophone still. MINNIE But it's getting hot, Henry. CRUN I don't care, Min. How can I get this jet of green steam up it if you jiggle about? MINNIE Why do I have to have a jet of green steam up my saxophone? CRUN I keep telling you. That naughty saxophone exploder, Fred Fumanchu, is after your saxophone and this green steam will immunize it. Now - once again. One...two... Music: Sax solo: "In the Mood" FX: Terrific steam jet as before Music: out MINNIE (screams) CRUN No, that's no good, Min. You were playing the wrong tune. It must be 'The Yellow Man from Texas'. MINNIE I'm sick of playing that one, buddy. CRUN Then play 'Riding on a Rainbow' and I'll put on this record of Mr Ray Ellington to accompany you. The Ray Ellington Quartet: "Riding on a Rainbow" WALLACE That was Ray Ellington of whom it has been said. Next, we present 'The Dreaded Revenge of Fred Fumanchu', Part 4. And I quote, 'Part 4'. The story up to now. By passing him twice, Seagoon managed to reach the Bannister residence ahead of the dreaded Fumanchu. NED Now to organise the defence. Who'll volunteer? BLUEBOTTLE I will, my capitain. Enter Balloonbottle, son of the regiment, with cardboard waterpistol and own water in empty lemonade bottle. NED Noble lad! Bluebottle - from the right - number! BLUEBOTTLE Sixty-three. NED Curse! Sixty-two deserters. Oh if we only had some more idiots to make up the number. ECCLES (approaches, singing) Twenty tiny fingers - twenty tiny toes - and I've got 'em all. NED You! From the right - number! ECCLES One! NED Form fours! FX: Squad forms fours NED Let's see them do that on television! Now, Bluebottle, take this stick of dynamite. BLUEBOTTLE No, I don't like this game. NED Shut up! ECCLES Shut up! NED Shut up, Eccles! ECCLES Shut up, Eccles! NED Now - if you see Fumanchu come up that road, light the fuse, count scramson and throw it under his car. Understand? ECCLES No. NED Good! Farewell. FX: Whoosh BLUEBOTTLE Eccles! ECCLES Yup? BLUEBOTTLE _You're_ going to light the nice stick of dynamite, aren't you? ECCLES Yeah, yeah. BLUEBOTTLE How many have you got to count up to before it explodes? ECCLES Um...oh...um...I dunno. BLUEBOTTLE Well, you'd better light it and count how long it takes. Then you'll know, won't you? ECCLES Oh, yeah. I'll light it now. BLUEBOTTLE No, not yet. Wait till I get behind that tree. FX: Whoosh BLUEBOTTLE (shouting, off) All right! FX: Match struck and fizzle continuing under -- ECCLES Um...one...two...three...er...four...five...six...it's getting difficult here...ah!...seven. Good job I went to High School. BLUEBOTTLE (off) What are you waiting for, Eccles? ECCLES (shouting) What comes after seven? BLUEBOTTLE (shouting, off) What did you say? I can't hear you. ECCLES (shouting) I said, 'what comes after seven?' Come over here and tell me. BLUEBOTTLE (shouting, off) No. You're not going to get me coming over there. You come over here. Now then, what is it? ECCLES Well, I-- FX: Explosion ECCLES Ooooh! (Calls) Bluebottle!...Bluebottle! Oooooh...what's this custard on the wall? BLUEBOTTLE Don't you touch me, you rotten swine. Scrape me off and take me home. NED Keep quiet, you two. I'm just about to knock at the Minnie Bannister Home for Part 5 of the Fearful Fumanchu Story. FX: Knocking on door MINNIE (off) Who's there? NED It's me. MINNIE (off) Henry, there's a man called 'Me' at the door. CRUN (off) Me? He'll have to prove it. (Raises voice) You, out there! NED Yes? CRUN (off) Prove you're me. NED All right. I'm Henry Crun. CRUN (off) That's me. Minnie, open the door and let me in. MINNIE (off) But you ARE in, Henry. CRUN (off) Well, you'll have to let me OUT. MINNIE (off) Why? CRUN (off) Because I'm out there waiting to come in. MINNIE (off) Oh, very well. FX: door opens NED Ah, thank you. FX: door closes Pause NED Now then, Mr Crun, I want to warn you that-- FX: Knocking CRUN Who's that out there? MINNIE (off) It's me. You've locked me out. CRUN Nonsense. Me just came in. He's here now. MINNIE (off) No, no, it's me -- Minnie. NED Good heavens! Quick! That's the woman I'm here to protect. Open the door. CRUN Very well. But I must let Minnie in first. FX: door opens MINNIE Thank you, Henry. CRUN That's all right, Minnie. Now Min -- what were you-- FX: knocking CRUN Who's there? NED (off) It's me. She isn't here. CRUN Rubbish. She IS here, aren't you, Min? MINNIE Yes, I'm here, Henry. NED (off) Well, you're not out HERE. MINNIE Are you sure? NED (off) Yes. Come out and have a look. FX: door opens MINNIE You're right. I'm not. Help! I'm lost! We'll all be murdered in our beds! (Goes on having hysterics) Music: (in distance) 'Valse Vanite' on sax NED Listen! That's Fred Fumanchu playing his dreaded oriental bamboo saxophone and the swine is playing in a different key. MORIARTY Quick! We must fly. He's closing in from all directions. FX: Door bursts open BLOODNOK Aiaough! Don't move, anyone! I've got you covered! NED Bloodnok! You treacherous renegade! BLOODNOK This is no time for compliments. Where's that last English saxophone? Come on! MINNIE I won't do it. BLOODNOK Why! It's Minnie - Minnie Bannister, the darling of Roper's Light Horse! Also the darling of his heavy one. MINNIE Oh, Dennis! BLOODNOK Darling, dance with me. Music: fast 'Blue Danube' BLOODNOK and MINNIE (both in ecstasy) NED Stop this, you crazy Sabrina and Michael Wilding! Music: stops BLOODNOK Yes, I was forgetting my duty to friend Fumanchu. Where's that saxophone? I intend to destry it with my explodable finger. ECCLES You'll do that over my dead body. FX: Explosion BLOODNOK There, _that's_ settled! NED Bloodnok, you've killed the noble Eccles! BLOODNOK Well? ECCLES Yeah! Well done! NED Shut up, Eccles! ECCLES Shut up, Eccles! BLOODNOK Enough of these pleasantries. Where's that saxophone? Fumanchu promised me ten pounds to destroy it. NED I'll give you fifteen to join us. BLOODNOK That swine Fumanchu can't buy _me_ with money! NED Oh, noble Englishman! BLOODNOK Never mind that. Where's the cash? FX: cash register BLOODNOK And there's your receipt. FX: door bursts open FUMANCHU Ah! Fiendish Brudnock, you have betlayed me. I point exprodable finger at you. Take that! FX: Explosion NED Gad! He's got Bloodnok. FX: three quick explosions FUMANCHU There! Have destloyed evellybody except you, Misters Seagoon and Glytpype-Thynne. NED No, no! Spare our lives and I'll give you the last metal saxophone to destroy. FUMANCHU Oh boy! Now I will be champion bamboo saxophonist of Universe. FX: typing NED As he spoke, I surreptitiously typed a short note to Grytpype-Thynne and posted it. THYNNE (opening letter) Oh, listen, Neddie -- a letter from you. 'Dear Grytpype, while I engage this bamboo saxophonist in mortal conversation, slip round under his kimono and bore a few holes in his bamboo saxophone.' FUMANCHU No so loud - I can hear you. THYNNE I'm sorry. (Quietly) 'P.S. Don't let him hear you reading this letter or it will mean certain death for both of us.' FX: Two explosions WALLACE And, by George, he was right. Tickets are now on sale in the foyer for tonight's recital by Fred Fumanchu, the world's _only_ bamboo saxophonist. I thank you. Music: 'Valse Vanite', fade under-- WALLACE All complaints about the Goon Show should be addressed to 'Life with the Lyons', Alexandra Palace, West Croydon. Good night. FX: Explosion FUMANCHU Oh boy! I got him, too! Orchestra: Signature tune ---------- I took this from "The Book of the Goons", so it may not be strictly accurate: I've noticed a few deviations in actual broadcasts from what is given in some other scripts in that book (like "The Great String Robberies"). doc -- Josh Hayes josh@cqs.washington.edu Disc Golf Page: http://www.cqs.washington.edu/~josh/discgolf.html Now, unlock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes, and prepare for a period of simulated exhiliration